DUDE I FORGOT I HAD A BLOG!

I guess I said all I have to say about that lol. I saw a "friend" in Wal Mart the other day. Of course she didn't speak..and I didn't care. A healing has happened in our family where this is concerned. I still look over there and shake my head. I still have limited contact with one or two Sisters. I have noticed that I no longer think about it on a daiy basis. I think I am going to have to expand my blog to other issues this has become fairly one dimensional.

Took a trip

I have had the most horrendous two weeks, we'll just call it "female issues" and leave it at that. This Thursday we left to take the kids to the space center, we got a cabin and just had some family time. On the way home we met some friends of ours. I have great respect for this family. When things got funky, they didn't just complain about it they moved to where they knew they could be in a good church and be happy. God really smoothed the way for them, it worked in such a way you know it was miraculous. He is an UPC evangelist. They both have been raised Apostolic since birth. I commend them for at least appearing to lack judgement about our leaving. I know that things that were said, or thought or even talked about amongst themselves doesnt' come from an ugly place of wanting to judge. They really truely believe we're going to hell for leaving that church and those standards behind. On the other hand, they understand why we couldn't stay where we were..I mean they couldn't either. He said that he really feels like the Pastor here is going to have to answer for all the people who have left his church to backslide. He also said that we "had been such good saints" I know he doesn't mean offense by this but it hurt. I respect this man greatly, he is one of the very very few people I know who put feet to his faith. He lives convictions. He and my husband have been great friends for a long time, it wasn't uncommon for us to have a big mid day meal on sundays between church services. My kids to be at their house and their kids at mine. We gave them our van because we felt like thats what the Lord led to do. For him to consider me no longer "a saint" pierced my heart. I noticed that even though the conversation flowed, it was forced sometimes.stilted. I noticed he tried not to look right at me, and the children were a little offstandish to mine at first. Even though we talk and we facebook ect, I have lost a dear dear friend in his wife. her veiws of me are diminished. His respect for my husband is lessened. They want us to come stay and go to the Alabama general revival con. I don't know how to explain that not only am I through with this local church.. I am done with that entire movement. I am done with ANY movement lol.

It has been a while

I have been feeling the need to slow down and live life in the moment. Be very aware of exactly what I am doing and why. For the last year I have been stretched thin between business, family , church blah blah. I may be cooking dinner while worrying about some unrelated thing. Sometimes I was going through entire days to look back and realize that while I accomplished alot of things I wasnt mindful of any of them. I made it part of my resolution to take one step, one day , one breath at a time. That has resulted in no blogging. Blogging tends to come from me thinking about things I need to 'work out'.
A couple of weeks ago a young preacher came and spoke to our congregation. He said some things that really resonated with me. He said that when he got saved he felt like he needed to "DO" something. He bought this big ol' Bible, and got the preacher suits going. He got a haircut, and pressured his wife for them to have the perfect family. He eventually burned out and went to a hotel room to seek God. He said that God told him that the reason he was so unhappy is becaues he wasn't who God saved him to be. God needs us to be who we are....thats why he made us who we are. He doesn't need us to get all 'sold out' and become someone else. I realized months and months ago that God wasn't able to use me until I was willing to just simply be me. Not all holy and special sister so and so me...just regular little me. That was such a revelation, and I immediately stopped standardizing and I stopped striving to be something and somebody that I am not meant by God to be. What was cool about the church service wasn't the revelation that "Hey, I'm alright" I already had thatone in hand..but the revelation that EVERYBODY goes through the same pitfalls. Legalistic thoughts, or works, striving to DO something to achieve Grace..these are human ideas and common to men. I'm not like some big loser who had no foresight and fell into a legalistic trap. Lots of folks do, its all about the journey. I can tell you that isn't the way because I walked that way, I did that I have the bobby pins to prove it. Someone who has never done it someone who says "well I never thought that was necessary" sniff sniff..that person in my life has never left the nest and still does what her Mama does like her Mama does it. And hey thats groovy if thats the life you lead, but for me I'm glad I took the trip, had experiences and can tell you absolutely what I believe because I have seen options. I think if we're really seeking God, then it isn't going to look like everybody elses seeking and the journey is gonna be wierd and sometimes you'll end up places you didn't know you'd EVER go but in the end thats how God grows us. I had to go through all the junk, all the standards, all the guilt and inadequate unworthy stuff to know what Grace truely was when I got back to it.

Ponderings

If I were to ask you..."How did Daniel pray,what was special about his praying or the way, time ect in which he did it?" I'd like to know what other people make of this question as I'm sorting it out myself. thanks

Blessed and Highly Favored

I have been noticing that the more content and happy the main areas of my life become some other area will go completely to pot or be a source of aggravation. I don't think that my marriage has ever been this good, despite our ups and downs we've always been solid.But now, we've fallen in love all over again. My children are happy and well adjusted. I am very happy with the current church situation so all the things that count are good. All is well. The stuff that isn't is money, business, relationships with some "friends" I thought I had. My grandparents health isn't good..on and on it goes. In the big scheme these are things that I shouldn't have anxiety over. Money will pass away, the business will be ok or it wont the Lord will provide either way.My grandparents are old, and they are going to go Home and me being in a wad won't stop that. The Devil goes around roaring like a lion and dumb ol' me falls for it sometimes. All that worry distracts me from being thankful for how incredibly blessed I am. A resolution for this year is to not worry , be anxious for nothing.

Interesting experiment for the UPCers

I have really been having this struggle. I think it is fairly common for people who leave the UPC to feel as though everything in their life that goes wrong is because they left the UPC which btw is the ONLY way to heaven (whatever..) Never mind that you've always had problems and the Lord is always just on time.no this time he may not be cause I got some pants on! This destructive thinking sneaks in through the backdoor. No rational logial person would ever admit to thinking this or would even believe it if it were said to them directly. What happens the Pastor says this family or that family left over such and mess and now they are all backslid and heroin addicted. Or "don't leave this church and then call ME when you get in some accident and expect me to come pray for you" on and on this goes until you absorb some of it. I have really been praying about this tendency because its such a negative view of God. What father would allow some castrophe to happen to his child because she wore jeans, or got a trim? How incredibly disproportionate. I find it hard to imagine my Father who loves me being that harsh. So upon much prayer I felt led to read Galatians. NO idea why I'm up at 2 a.m. reading Galatians other than the Lord told me to. So heres what you do if your in bondage to a bunch of standards and legalistic junk. Everywhere in Galatians Paul uses the word "circumcision", "law" or anything like that plug in the word STANDARDS. That'll clear it all up for ya.

I will rejoice and be glad..

We have some hard things happening with our business. I keep fighting these thoughts of if I did this or that right we wouldn't have these problems. I trimmed my hair, put on some jewerly and pants..and now God is withdrawing his hand from us. I KNOW that isn't true. The truth is there is a depression going on and for us to just now be feeling it is amazing. God has brought us through, and he didn't bring us this far to leave us. I have this guilt, doubt cycle a tape that plays in my head and makes me doubt myself. I have to have faith that we're going to come through this and I can't have the enemy sneaking in and making me doubt the security we have in Jesus. I have this song stuck in my head..Then you filled me, then you healed me then you washed my sins away and I will be glad...
Can't for the life of me remember who sings that