defensive

I realized this morning in a conversation with my husband that I am defensive on this whole church thing. I was bristly and he was agreeing with me! I have been examining this and the root of it is failure. Leaving the entire denomination is like getting a divorce. You feel as though your admitting failure,even if that isn't the case. In addition to that everytime I leave the house in this little town I see someone. They are often visibly taken aback by the difference in my appearance..though it seems pretty minimal to me. This outward evidence of my "backsliding" and then I have to interact with those people. I refuse to defend or justify myself...on the outside..but on the inside I'm still on the defense. My family, who aren't churched also say things like "Well, I gave it five years", "what are you gonna do next take up drinking!" Cause you know, a little make up and a bender totally equate. My husband and I have been at odds over the church for a long time..we agreed about things not being good and not being right yet we fussed over it. Its a spirit of division and its all through that church,the divorce rate is astronomical. So I have BIG GIANT GIRLY FEELINGS about all this and it just dawned on me that its bleeding through in my interaction with others. No matter how well adjusted we are, and how happy I am to have left. We are in the best place we've been in many years. Yet, I am ANGRY. I am angry, and I am defensive about it lol what a mess. I think some folks are waiting on me to say the church was wrong, and I never should have been there ect. That isnt' the case. We had to go through it to come out of it. Thats the journey , thats the point. Life is just a series of experiences,and I had to have that one. Its hard to explain to someone who has never been there. It doesn't feel like your getting into a bondage relationship with the church. It feels like acceptance, and love. Big gatherings,game nights and dinners. Children (you think) your kinds can play with and you not worry about infleuances. I mean, most of these kids don't have televisions. I feels like a place where you are free to worship, and meet Jesus at the alter. There is support and love there and a general sense of gettin right with Jesus. It isnt' until later you arent' free to worship or cry at the alter..your expected to. At first its a sense of belonging, and people who are putting their faith into action. You don't see people being judgemental until years later when they know you well enough to not have public face. Or if you do hear a judgy statement it appears to be wrapped in concern and love. All good gossip is phrased as a prayer request I have figured out. So I think I have to defend myself against the feeling of stupidity. Of course I shoulda known better. My word, just google UPC and it'll pull up tons of cult sites. The best being www.spiritualabuse.org . It feels like my poor judgement. But that really isn't the case most likely. I thought that I'd do what I wanted and leave the rest, but you really can't do that for years and years. I hate that I was weak enough to follow a herd. That is totally not my style it isn't who my husband and I are in anyway. I have always heard my own drummer. But one day I look around and think OH MY! I have nearly assimilated. I have a folder left over from my freshman year of highschool. It has a bumper sticker across it that says "Assimilation is Death" I see it often , its in my desk drawer. Thats how I felt. I have just given over who I am,my next thought was "Oh , hell no" It snuck up on me! So yes, it is alot of bonage and it is a burden..but if it was like that in the beginning nobody would sign up. Its deceptive, thats the dangerous part. So if I've been angry, come on too aggressive or been defensive. Forgive me. Its cause I feel all of those things, I just should not spew them all over others.