defensive

I realized this morning in a conversation with my husband that I am defensive on this whole church thing. I was bristly and he was agreeing with me! I have been examining this and the root of it is failure. Leaving the entire denomination is like getting a divorce. You feel as though your admitting failure,even if that isn't the case. In addition to that everytime I leave the house in this little town I see someone. They are often visibly taken aback by the difference in my appearance..though it seems pretty minimal to me. This outward evidence of my "backsliding" and then I have to interact with those people. I refuse to defend or justify myself...on the outside..but on the inside I'm still on the defense. My family, who aren't churched also say things like "Well, I gave it five years", "what are you gonna do next take up drinking!" Cause you know, a little make up and a bender totally equate. My husband and I have been at odds over the church for a long time..we agreed about things not being good and not being right yet we fussed over it. Its a spirit of division and its all through that church,the divorce rate is astronomical. So I have BIG GIANT GIRLY FEELINGS about all this and it just dawned on me that its bleeding through in my interaction with others. No matter how well adjusted we are, and how happy I am to have left. We are in the best place we've been in many years. Yet, I am ANGRY. I am angry, and I am defensive about it lol what a mess. I think some folks are waiting on me to say the church was wrong, and I never should have been there ect. That isnt' the case. We had to go through it to come out of it. Thats the journey , thats the point. Life is just a series of experiences,and I had to have that one. Its hard to explain to someone who has never been there. It doesn't feel like your getting into a bondage relationship with the church. It feels like acceptance, and love. Big gatherings,game nights and dinners. Children (you think) your kinds can play with and you not worry about infleuances. I mean, most of these kids don't have televisions. I feels like a place where you are free to worship, and meet Jesus at the alter. There is support and love there and a general sense of gettin right with Jesus. It isnt' until later you arent' free to worship or cry at the alter..your expected to. At first its a sense of belonging, and people who are putting their faith into action. You don't see people being judgemental until years later when they know you well enough to not have public face. Or if you do hear a judgy statement it appears to be wrapped in concern and love. All good gossip is phrased as a prayer request I have figured out. So I think I have to defend myself against the feeling of stupidity. Of course I shoulda known better. My word, just google UPC and it'll pull up tons of cult sites. The best being www.spiritualabuse.org . It feels like my poor judgement. But that really isn't the case most likely. I thought that I'd do what I wanted and leave the rest, but you really can't do that for years and years. I hate that I was weak enough to follow a herd. That is totally not my style it isn't who my husband and I are in anyway. I have always heard my own drummer. But one day I look around and think OH MY! I have nearly assimilated. I have a folder left over from my freshman year of highschool. It has a bumper sticker across it that says "Assimilation is Death" I see it often , its in my desk drawer. Thats how I felt. I have just given over who I am,my next thought was "Oh , hell no" It snuck up on me! So yes, it is alot of bonage and it is a burden..but if it was like that in the beginning nobody would sign up. Its deceptive, thats the dangerous part. So if I've been angry, come on too aggressive or been defensive. Forgive me. Its cause I feel all of those things, I just should not spew them all over others.

Being shunned bites

For the most part I don't get overly invested in friendships. I am more of a life of the party, lots and lots of acquaintences but one a couple good friends kinda gal. My heart hurts for that good friend who can't deal with me not being a part of the hive mind. I'm actually surprised, she rarely goes with the flow. Or so it seemed. The pastor started preaching pretty hard about not fellowshipping with people who were in sin, or who would infleuance you negatively ect. Two of my good friends, that I traveled with,camped with, prayed with and loved took a giant step back from me. It took me a week or two to figure it out as they were polite enough. I went to the one that I felt the closest to and said "Hey, have I offended you somehow..tell me or I will do it again" she smiled her soft spoken I'm so so spiritual little smile and said nothing was the matter at all. Shes just busy! what with having eight kids and all! I know her, we went and did a ton of stuff when she had little kids, babies ect. Now one is out of the house, two in college and the baby is four so I dont buy it. I have seen her pull that I am so busy with my own family stuff a hundred times when she didn't want to do something. Three weeks or so went on and Sister more spiritual than you called and wanted me to come to her house. We needed to talk face to face. I thought GREAT. Lets hash this junk out. It really was more of the same. Basically she said she'd taken a job in the evenings cleaning commercial buildings. She was taking homeschooling way more seriously with the two littles and just didn't have time to be a good friend. She indicated that this wasn' tgoing to change. WOW, I felt like I was being broken up with after all these years. I took that time to tell her I was having serious doubts about the church and the supposed "prophet" we'd had. She btw also thought he was just the Devil. She told me she'd taken wise counsel (read talked to the pastor) and was told that if she disagreed to "rise above it, endure to the end" and thats what she aimed to do. I said "Sister yall go on ahead, but that man wised cancer on folks last night and I am NOT having my children sit under this mess not one more service. Husband and I have decided to leave. She again was loving and meek and kind and all that crap she puts on to be.Nothing like the real her I have known all these years. I was getting public face and it was making me angry. During this talk Sister Shunner number 2 called! One of the kids announced who it was off the caller id and she said she'd call her back. So then I decided it was time to conclude this whole mess..I said we'll I'll let you go so you can call her back and give her the downlow on our little convo. She was stunned I'd be that direct but the whole thing hurt my feelings terribly. I haven't spoken to either of them since. I am still in very close contact with ONE Apostolic friend. Her husband moved the entire family away to go to another church because he thought the prophet stuff going on at our church wasn't of God. Obviously they are more inclined to have independent thoughts than some of the others. I say only one person really hurt my feelings because I expected it from the rest. There are still times I'd like to call up someone for dinner, or to go to the park that kind of thing and its kinda nuts to realize I have like two friends at this point. Crazy huh? Thats two friends ahead of alot of folks. My grandmother has told me how awful and unchristian ect shunning is and I didn't really think it'd be any big deal. It is a big deal. This is how the whole culty deal works. People can't leave because their entire family,friends (thankfully we had outside friends) their whole life is there and its traumatic to have it shut down on you. So do what I say or you'll have no life. How nutty is that!

UPC what they believe and where I'm coming from

My parents divorced when I was very young,and they were young parents. I therefore had young grandparents. They kept me every other weekend and for weeks at the time during the summer for as long as I remember. I truely thank my mother for allowing that, she didn't have to. My grandfather was an Assembly of God minister until retirement age about two years ago. They truely raised me to just have a relationship with Jesus,thats just that simple. Around thirteen or so I backslid big time. My mother isn't saved and its difficult to keep your feet on the path at that age. I also married an athiest. We had a child and I truely sought the Lord. I read my Bible when he wasn' thome as it irked him,and I didn't even try the church thing. I just kept praying,listening to preaching on tape or t.v. Then something marvelous happened. He worked out of town and he came home saved! He'd been to a revival at an AOG church somewhere in the middle of a field in Lousiana. He came home with a Bible under his arm and was truely a different man. Imagine my relief! We already homeschooled ect. Not alot of lifestyle changed, we've never been partiers or drinkers. But our spiritual life bloomed. We were talking about the Bible and it was so exciting. What about this or that...1 Cor. 11:6 does that mean not to cut your hair or to cover your actual head, does it mean to have long hair..or that if ye be contentious it isnt' for our day? We really poured over the word. We were going to an AOG church,but it wasn't home. Before long we started looking for somewhere a little more uhmmmmm hardcore lol. Somewhere they weren't just preaching the promises of the Word but the obedience too. We'd bought our house from a man who was apostolic and through that met his wife and her friends. About the same time my husband ran into the Pastors daughter in law. The Pastor came to our house and stayed a very long time. Next thing ya know, we are attending this Apostolic Church. Nothing at that time felt legalistic at all. You just want to please God. I enjoyed the changes we could make because before my husbands salvation I didn't have the ability to make any at all. I remember being in a church service and feeling terrible convicted about my tongue ring, so I went into the bathroom and took it out. It was such a relief off my shoulders, and I prayed through that night because that obstacle was gone. I do believe in a standard of living, dressing and behaving. The difference is when that becomes a legalism and you think your gonna get to heaven faster. so ..what the UPC believes is
They do not believe they are a denomination, or a religion. They preach what they consider the Apostles doctrine and not "post reformation theology" They disput the exsistance of the trinity. Now I personally have figured out that the real issue here is a lack of communication. The upci and the aog split from each other over this issue in the early 1900s and they haven't stopped debating and bickering since. An Apostolic believes Jesus is God manifest flesh. Yeah, the Bible says that. They assert that trinitarians believe in three seperate bodily Gods. I never believed that. God was a Spirit and hovered over the water, Jesus said when you've seen me you've seen the father. The Holy Spirit obviously has no body so when I get to heaven Yeah Jesus is what I expect to see. 1 John says "these three are one" and most folks agree with that. Aposotlics want to argue over this word "trinity' as they say it isnt' in the Bible. Uhm neither is rapture but I'm planning to go. I really think its something to fuss over. Great are the mysteries of Godliness. The other issue is baptism. We get called Jesus only alot. That isn't true as that implies that we don't believe in God or the Holy Ghost. Its more like Jesus everything. I do believe in a Jesus name baptism. Acts 2:38. I just think that Apostolics belabor this to death, ingnoring the thief on the cross wasn't baptised and they make it all about salvation rather than obedience. This annoys me to no end. Its Acts 2:38 all the time, and no real word just fussing over what we say when we dunk you. I believe it because nowhere do you find anyone actually baptized in any name other than Jesus. Read through Acts. "What soever ye do in word or deed " I know in Matthew it says "baptizing them in the name of the Father, the name of the Son and the name of the Holy Ghost." But those are titles not names. I am a mother,daughter,wife, I can't write any of those titles or relationships on a check and cash it. diagram that sentence and you'll be left wondering what that name is and its Jesus. So thats a point I'll agree with the UPC on, I just don't think you go to hell if you dont "do it right" God honors the intents of our hearts. The next issue is the Holy Ghost. The baptism of the Holy Ghost is evidenced by the utterance of other tongues. They say no tongues no heaven. Thats just the dumbest thing ever! Its always annoyed me. I assert that the indwelling of the Holy Ghost happens the instant you accept Jesus and the baptism of the Holy Ghost and with fire as the Spirit gives utterance are two different works. To say you have to speak in tongues to get to heaven ingnores everything Paul has to say about how the gifts of the Spirit work. It means ONLY UPC folk will get to heaven and it puts an enormous pressure on them to prove they got it. Hence, some faking goin' on. So there is a three step salvation here. Repent, be baptized, speak in tongues. Uhmm yeah, I don't buy it. I was in that church 5 years and never bought it. My kids don't buy it, thanks to homeschooling they get a BIG dose of Bible each day. I am thankful that I have my grandparents, alot of this stuff didn't sink into my head because of them. However, I have repented,been baptized in Jesus name and spoke in tongues. So you'd think "Hey I'm safe either way , why split hairs" I should have split hairs cause wrong theology is wrong theology! I was lazy.
Standards. The UPCI wholeheartedly disapproves of folks participating in worldly amusements like the movie theater, dances, mixed swimming, and until the General Conference last year they disapproved of telelvision sets in the home. For the record my family has always done all of these things. Standards of dress were never preached in our church , they are in many and are presented as hellfire issues. Our church was much much more subtle. When you get there some nice sister will immediately offer you a home Bible study. Your family will go to their house eat dessert and do a Bible study. This perfect sister will of course have perfect standards and be the paragon of all that is pure and holy in the world and before long...you are that sister. the only enforced standards in our church are "platform standards" to be on the platform for any reason you have to sign a standards agreement. This says you won't wear pants, jewerly (except a wedding right although thats frowned on too)cut your hair, wear make up go to the theater and so on. Your sleeves must be to the elbow..which I really think is smart. Anyshorter and sister on the plat form does a Hallejuah raises her arm and you see all down her baggy short sleeve. So that I get. And dresses below the knee as to not flash the congregation while you sit in a choir loft. These I think are smart and just make sense and they don't apply to your whole life. Just church services. The hair cutting thing, first off somebody is sure to give you a book called Power before the Throne by Ruth Harvey. We could talk all night about 1 Cor 6:11. So I'll leave each to his own thoughts on this one. I decided I am contentious and I trimmed the funky ends off of my hair. It was hip length all one length very heavy and getting raggedy. I didn't really lose length, just got layers. But cut is cut.This was a very difficult decision to make. Make up. I dunno any scriptural reason for this. Folks talk about Jezebel, and Egypt and all kinds of mess. Jezebel did wear make up and jewerly. So did the Isrealites. She brushed her hair too and I never quit that. I stopped wearing make up simply out of relief of not having to do it! Also after a while it feels just wierd to be the only one with make up on. This is also the first thing I put back on. I dont have a real conviction about this. Dresses only,first Deut. not wearing that which pertains to a man. We could argue that to death too about customs and times and such. Then are dresses more modest? I think so. The Bible says to be set apart and a peculiar people. If I were walking down the road could you immediately identify me as a Christian? I think so. I don't intend to wear pants anytime in the near future out in public. I do wear them to the gym. I also don't think your gonna burn in hell and need repentence if your clothing of choice is jeans. Jewerly. it says not to let your adornment be gold or pearls...ect. I believe the UPC is taking this out of context. Just because I wear my wedding ring does NOT mean that I dont have a meek and quiet spirit. This is about pride not jewerly. They are big on not being vain, or prideful hence the no jewerly. I have always had a nosering. The pastor called and talked to me about Jacob and Rachel and how they and all their people with them took all their jewerly, and noserings were mentioned specifically and they buried them under the tree at Mamere as idols. I decided I dont think my nosering is an idol. Its just there, theres a big hole under it so I keep it. Its part of my face. I countered by saying when they set for a wife for Isaac and found Rebekah by the well, they put bracelets on her wrists and a ring in her nose and took her for a wife. He preached a few services about obedience being better than sacrafice and then he gave up. That nosering meant that I could never volunteer in sundayschool or teach a ladies Bible study. It also irked the heck out of the preacher. Theres prob some stuff in here I forgot to mention. Uhmmmm, laying on of hands , annointing with oil to pray for healing, dancing in the spirit,foot washing (once a year) all things the UPC believes and so do I. They like to decide who is saved and who isn't. My grandmother is the most Godly woman I know. She is fond of the jewerly and make up. This kept me from buying into the standards are salvational stuff. But it didn't keep me from living them. I believe that most people in those churches are sincere, they have good prayer lives, fast and repent like crazy. I'd consider them "saved" if it was up to me. Its unfortunate that they can't see that I am saved too. Everything you do unto God, God appreciates 1Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations.
2For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.
3Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.
4Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.
5One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
6He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.
7For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.
8For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.
9For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.
10But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
11For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.
12So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
13Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
14I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
15But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.
16Let not then your good be evil spoken of:
17For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
18For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.
19Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
20For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.
21It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
22Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. Romans 14.
This got long and rambly lol.

family devotions

Its been BUSY BUSY here. Lots of fall activities with the family and some great friends. Everyone is all kinda jazzed about Halloween. Someone emailed and asked me if we did the "halloween thing" and, yes its something we've always done.
We did go visit a Church of God, and it felt really right. I know the Bible says your heart is exceedingly wicked and deceitful ect. I try to be careful about doing things cause they "feel right". Theologically, I can't argue with them. I had a question or two in particular for the Pastor and he answered them for me. He did some fantastic preaching, the music was good and the Spirit was there. It was nice to see people pray,some in tongues even. They offered people to come be prayed for, annointed ect. What was unusual is the music wasn't blaring, didn't hurt my head and the Pastor didn't scream and spit in anyones face. How refreshing! Everything was decent and in order. No cheerleading...No, "come on church!!" Everybody free to do their thing, no pressure. We have a three visit rule, so there isn't a decision made aside from visiting again Sunday.
Its amazing how smooth things have been for us since leaving. I expected some castrophe. I have heard all about how people leave and the kids get drug addicted, parents divorced and the whole family goes broke. I have decided its all scare tactic. Since leaving the UPC, my husband is so much happier. That spreads itself all around. He's nicer to me, he's a better father. It is amazing how great we're getting along. Our church was have a huge divorce problem. Huge. Our pastor there wasn't giving maritial counseling because he didn't feel qualified with all the maritial issues in our church. His solution? They showed The Love Dare. Gee that oughta fix it. The problem really is that he preaches over and over about not murmuring "in your tents" and all about Cora and getting sucked in a hole for talking about the MAN OF GOD. And it creates a breakdown in maritial communication. People are unhappy about things there, but are unable to talk to their spouse. Either they fear the murmuring stuff, or their husband will rebuke them for daring to speak against the preacher. Also its so loud and the chorus of the song is repeated over and over again. Then the preacher berates you for two hours, by the time you get in the car your just plain cranky. In addition to all that he says things like "If you leave this church your marriage will fall apart, If you speak against me your kids will backslide" You speak that kinda thing over people enough and Yeah, it starts to happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. Getting out of that mess has taken alot of stress off of our relationships. With outselves, our children and with each other. For a while there my husband hasn't been interested in anything spiritual at all. I mean you get beat over the head for several hours a week and it'll turn you off. He has started back heading our family devotions. Our family is in a much healthier place spiritually. I had ordered a cd for Titus 2 ministeries called Feed my sheep. Its about the hows and whys of family devotions. My husband really likes Steve Maxwell and we have purchased alot of materials from their website. I highly rec them.
http://www.titus2.com/

And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 11:19

Deliberate People

I went to Atlanta fest last June with my family. We're worldly and listen to contemporary music lol. We were in a terrible terrible place spiritually. It was two millions degrees, Georgia in June is like the third ring of hell seriously its bad. I'm from Florida and its still too hot for us. Not only is it hot but the entire state is uphill..no joke. Needless to say I was grouchy. I was seeing a judgemental spirit in myself about some standards stuff and I didn't like it. Judgey isn't something that I usually would consider myself at all. I'm all about you be you and I'll be me. I was shocked, and am still shocked at what some of our christian ladies call modest. I was just in a place of grumbling in my spirit. I was determined to make the most of it and to get whatever God was after me to get out of this experience. I felt called to be there or I would have canceled the trip. I felt compelled,yet resentful of it. Anyways, one day in the middle of the beating heat we hiked ourselves up all these hills. BTW its a ton of walking to get anywhere there. I was feeling very very through with all this junk by the time I got sat down. We were seated pretty far back from the stage but they put everything up on these big mega screens. Phil Joel was already starting to speak. I vaguely knew who he was from the Newsboys. There is something about him that is very relatable. Like you just wanna have him over for dinner and see what he thinks about things. What he had to say was very simple,and it was like CPR to my spirit. I felt something start to stir around, the Holy Spirit in me took a tenative breath, I think we were both relieved when I didn't quench the Spirit. I was totally absorbed in every word this man said because I desperately needed to hear this very very simple message. "have a relationship of your own with God." You know, I started there. Everybody starts there, seeking God. Church, Preachers, routine and other relationships get in the way of that. What started out as an honest desire to please God because clouded with the junk of religiousity. This Brothers main message was about getting in the word. That is the first sign to me that I'm not "right" with God, when I neglect the Word. You know that Voice you hear in your head? The one that says "THIS IS GOD..DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW?" I heard that Voice, in a crowd of thousands at this big ol "worldly, contemporary" concert. He said "Could this man speak at your church?" Wow! This beautiful man, who obviously has such a heart for God and what he has to say is so important. He couldn't speak in my UPC church, he has long hair. Jewerly on, uh oh are those short sleeves I see? I was mulling this over more than listening to him now. I turned to tell my husband, and my husband had his face in his lap and was in earnest prayer. That touched my heart, I can't even explain it to you. We were in such a dry place. Then I heard that Voice again and he said, "Could I speak at your church?" That blew my mind! We wouldn't let Jesus take our pulpits because of a beard, because he was different and totally non conformist. That was the first step I took away from our church. How can I sit every week being berated for this or that usually and KNOW that these people wouldn't let Jesus himself take their platform cause he couldn't sign a standards contract. We heard and saw some really impacting people and music. Casting Crowns was awesome, Kutless, Steller Kart it was a fantastic time for our family. But that simple message from Phil Joel was what the trip was about for me. We came home refreshed and unified and ready to take this mess on.

Job 4:4 Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.

www.deliberatepeople.com Check him out. The Deliberate People Album is some great music

Hair,the Church of God and stuff

After some pretty big thinking I went and got my hair trimmed. I had a ton of damage. I called up the salon and next think I knew I was in the chair. I kinda expected to feel like I was doing something wrong. Nope,I felt freed from a bondage. Having all that hair has never bothered me, matter fact I'm fairly vain about my hair. I didn't cut any length off, maybe an inch of the ends. I had the rest layered. So I look like I have the same amount of hair I always had. So it isn't that I was suffering and carrying the yoke of all this hair,although some ladies are. I was in bondage to the idea. Ruth Reider Harvy will get in your brain and convince you of all sortsa kooky unbiblical stuff. What if I cut it and our business fails, will the two be related? This idea that I could somehow sway God,or coerce him into loving me more or giving me more favor. I know it sounds nuts..but spend some time in the UPC and you'll get some ideas too. So while I was having my hair cut the girl that was cutting it was telling me all about her church and how great it is. I'm kinda impressed because young,married people with no children are the hardest demographic to get into church. So she told me the name of the church and its a Church of God. Hubby and I have a list of churches we want to check out and hers is top of the list. How coincidental huh? We're going to go visit Sunday. Ya know, I am positive that I left that place with less hair but with the same Holy Ghost I got there with. Go figure

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light Matthew 11:30

I deleted a post

somethings are thinking things, and I said some things that are better off thought. It wasn't honoring to my mother who despite whatever faults she has is still my mother and I love her.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up

Sooooo I think somebody from REAL LIFE has found my blog. Comment and let me know

Communion

We have been attending an interdenominational church in our area. I don't know if we'll stay there, I was raised Assembly of God and I'd like to go back to it. So I'm letting it ride. Today was Communion, we missed last week on account of death so I didn't know about communion. My husband and son both partook but I just couldn't. Something in my spirit isn't as it should be, it isn't like some BIG OL SIN!!! Its just something isn't centered, I'm looking for balance. I love Jesus, I want to be very sure that I'm not operating in rebellion in anyway. Right now I feel like there are some UPC things that I'm a little unsure of. I want to be sure,in my own heart and not just act out of rebellion. It sounds silly to have to go through a big spiritual rigamarole about hair cutting ect. Honestly, I have to. I am being very careful to examine things on their own merrit using a Bibical measuring stick. I feel a little spun around. The Apostolic church we've always attended had a huge outreach function this weekend. I am seeing alot of pictures and videos in my facebook and it makes me homesick. I know that I have lived in bondage to the church for a long time, I know its going to take time to unravel the mess thats made. But I see pictures of people that I loved, and they are leading people to Jesus and it makes me want to go back. Just wash my face, put on my big girl panties and put up with whatever else happens so that I can have my old life back. I am not cut out that way though, I am made out of way too tough of stuff to be spoonfed manure for the rest of my life. Ingnorance is bliss I think lol..I know some pretty stupid folks and they are pretty happy. I am going to keep plugging along. I know there is somewhere God wants my family to be, there is somewhere he wants to use me. And that burden with be easy and yoke will be light. Anyway, I skipped communion today. I really liked the reverence that was in the place this morning. I prob could have gone to the alter but it doesn't really feel like that kind of place..or at least it didn't today. The music was beautiful, and I did feel the spirit of God. Not the jump a pew, knock your hair loose kinda spirit just a slow move. It was nice to go and marinate in the spirit of God and not feel assaulted and beat over the head.

1 Cor. 11:29 For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body.

Nearly dead

OMG, we have had the worst stuff. I don't know if it was actually H1N1 or what,but I know it was the foulest illness to come straight out of hell. I'm gonna try to find my groove again. My husband did devotions after dinner today. He chose Ephesians 2:8For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9Not of works, lest any man should boast. I have read that verse of course and the UPC realy likes to focus on the next one "created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. " I have heard this belabored to DEATH,usually when the preacher wanted to bully people into door knocking or whatever. But the idea that by grace ye are saved, is a little shocking to my girls. I didn't realize just how much they believed there is a checklist to get to heaven. My husband read the verse and said ok, how are we saved? My seven year old said, Repent and be Baptized..yeah thats true but she had to struggle to accept that my husband is saying "Jesus loves you,through faith your saved" thats it! Thats very different from what she has heard her whole life. I have learned that it doesn't matter what you tell them at home,we homeschool and I have never told them this punative God just waiting on you to screw up stuff...but they believe it. They have absorbed it from their "friends", sunday school teachers ect. These aren't unloving people (mostly) but they are people in bondage to a God who doesn't love them and they have to earn it.
That "lest any man should boast " part OH BOY! I know people who will brag about how holy they are! "Well our family has NEVER done such such ect..we're just so pious and holy and miserable but we have never ever seen a movie" uhmmm yeah okay, you have it then lol. I never thought about it in relation to that verse. Ninety percent of the preaching I have heard for the last 3ish years has been boasting about how holy the preacher is and how great his family is and how much he's been through in his life and how amazing it is that they are so incredibly holy...and faith without works is dead ect. I am so sick of the entire mentality I could just puke.

Step 3: accept that by grace I am saved, and nothing I do adds to that salvation. It won't get me there faster