big, honkin', deep thoughts

So this morning I read a book about Thanksgiving to the girls. There are things that public schools do that sometimes homeschoolers over look..like teaching the months,or days of the week lol. They aren't so revelent in my life so it hit me last year my little kids didn't know them! How embarassing. Fire safety,stranger danger and roman numerals also things that are easily overlooking in an official 'teaching' sense. They know all the religious meaning and siginificance to our holidays and they know Thanksgivingis about thanksfulness. However, they were woefully ingnorant about the history behind the first thanksgiving. So to the library we go for a week and a half worth of info on thanksgiving, pilgrams, colonists and native americans. Today we read a cut little book that covered some info on thanksgivings around the world and then focused primarily on the colonists and such. There was a line in the book that said that the Pilgrims left England because of a disagreement with their church leaders. I mean thats BIG. They got ticked at the church and went and founded a whole country! They clearly were not United Pentecostals. Pentecostals would still be in England murmuring,bitter and angry at the church but convinced that to go contrary to leadership would send them straight to hell. They couldn't go somewhere else,they'd still be there waiting on a transfer letter from their pastor.

Sometimes a picture says it all

I hate thinking up titles for posts

Honey decided to surprise me with an overnight trip to the Hilton on the beach. He had it all planned out, kids taken care of the whole deal. We really can't afford it and thats part of what made it so sweet. Sometimes you have to put time together ahead of everything else. It was a really great break and we had time to talk about some big things that are going on. We have been having a bit of business trouble, who isn't in this economy? We are trusting God that he didn't bring us this far to leave us. We started doing the Jim Sammons finiancial seminar and that is such an eye opener! It isn't just pay your tithes,save ten percent blah blah. We all know that stuff, and who do you know who (aside from tithes) really has enough money to do what the experts reccomend? He is teaching Biblical principals and in a way that I have never heard it or thought of it.
Sunday we went to church and it was really great! His message was on Esther. It was a really good sermon and included alot of good points. The part that I particularily felt like was just for me is he pointed out that Esther had Hayman at her dinner table. She had dinner with him and the King. She never addressed Hayman,the man who wanted to kill her uncle,and her people. She carry on and make a scene. She stayed focused on the King and allowed him to fight her battles. How many times do I waste my effort focused on the problems rather than the promise? I have found myself at my own dinner table with my enemies and wasn't as wise as Esther. I read there that they bathed in oil for six months and in perfume for six months, in prep. for one night with the king. When he would pick his bride. Everything in the Old Testament is a shadown and type of the New Testament. I believe that Oil symbolises the Holy Ghost and the perfume is the praise of the saints which goes up like incense before God. They prepared for a year to meet this earlthy,carnal,heathen King. We want to pull a drive through, hit church on Sunday a.m. sing a song or two, wave our hand in the air a little. Whew, then its naptime! We should be preparing everyday bathing in the Holy Ghost, sending up praise to our King because one day we are going to stand before him and he is going to choose his Bride.
The childrens leaders asked if middle child could be a "praise leader" they need some older kids that are comfortable praying for others , praising in public ect. Do the dances to the music that kinda stuff. I am overjoyed! She has some learning difficulities. You'd never know it unless you asked her to read,but its a real problem to her self esteem. I took her out of Sunday school for a year because the teacher was horrible about this. She would put her on the spot to read alound in front of the other children. She gave her a worksheet and said she couldnt' have a snack if it wasn't finished. She and I had some words and I took her out of that class. It breaks my heart to think of how my child must have felt. That crossword puzzle with all these big Biblical words may as well been in Greek. In front of everyone, hungry and not getting the same snack everyone else got. This happened to her IN CHURCH! Our church had a big childrens church program on Saturdays. They had alot of little girls leading worship. The "elite" so to speak. The same two families pretty much do everything. She asked if she could help and was told they had enough girls. it really did hurt her feelings, like everywhere she tried to get involved there was a roadblock. I am overjoyed that she's been validated this way in a church setting. I was really worried that all church interaction was negative and was going to hurt her spirit long term. She has such a presence,a dignity that is unusual in children. She just wants to serve Jesus! I am excited for her to be used. She has had to set at the table with those she considers enemies for a long time in church. Of all the things I regret about where we were the thing that is the biggest is the damage it has done to this particular child. that one sundayschool teacher in one service has had a devastating effect on how A felt about herself. That Queen Bees thing that goes one within the girls her age and that adults allow it has effected her as well.

Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of my enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Psalm 23:5

He's still working on me

I dislike my neighbor. I don't hate her or wish bad things on her, I am happy to help if necessary. I just don't like to interact with her. They visited our church on friends day a few years ago and decided we're nuts and wouldn't let her kids play with mine anymore. She's been aggressively in our business every chance she gets. There is a long list of things I think she did,but can't prove it was her. There is a shorter list of things I KNOW she did. The main thing is she really hurt my girls. They had been friends with those little girls for a year or more. My middle child cried and cried over this. She told hers that they weren't even allowed to speak to mine. Now their family is going through some bad times,the details of which I wish I didn't know and won't share. She has evidently recommitted herself to Christ. Ok, I don't know when she committed the first time but I have never seen any fruit.. Last night she emailed me and said that her "bible teacher" I assume from the large Baptist church they attend, reccommended that she find a "spiritual mentor" and she asked me to do this a couple of times a week. I feel like this woman has always been destructive,unkind and manipulative. I feel like this is some sort of manipulation,as though she's using my christianity as in "in" for some reason. Why wouldn't the Bible teacher rec someone in their own congreation? Something smells fishy,but I also feel like I should do it. Clear the air about some things. Set some firm boundaries,and have a Bible study or some sort. I have prayed for God to use me, let me minister to others,let my life be a light on a hill..this isn't what I meant lol. I feel like to do this I have to have full forgiveness of her and oddly enough I realized that I don't want to forgive her totally. I seem to enjoy that teeny little grudge. I'm going to have to put that under the blood today. I can't just walk around unforgiving. This other stuff, we'll take it slow and see how it goes.

Fantastic day

It is absolutely beautiful out. Our homeschool has been so smooth today. The doors are open and beans are cookin'. Chores are being done. Heck, I'm even down another two pounds. Its domestic bliss here.
I deleted most of my church folk off my facebook some time ago. That sounds so serious and hardcore to "defriend" people. It wasn't intended to be. It started simple enough. My neice had a birthday. I went to the party, some pictures were taken. Seeings how I washed that gray right outta my hair, put on some make up and lost twenty pounds , I was pretty darn happy with said picture. I used it as my profile pic on facebook. OH MY , you'd have thought I posted a pic of myself in a pair of daisy dukes sucking on a crack pipe. The news of me wearing make up and jewerly and being bold enough to put it on a public forum hit the phone lines like crazy. My friend who lives four hours away called and said she's afraid I'm "spiritually regressing" Sister Used to be My Best Friend, had apparently called and asked her if she'd seen the photo. Seriously, people were emailing and calling one another. It was like NEWS lol. So I figured rather than feed the rumor mill and worry about stuff constantly I'd defriend 'em. I mean they aren't speaking to me anyway. Facebook was just a little window into my life. A way to say "See, I told ya they were backslid"What impresses me is three of those ladies (and one of their husbands) have "friended" me back. There is one lady who has always been sweet and wonderful and so not caught up in the "mess" of the church, I have always talked to her alot. She is no different than she ever was. We're having a fb convo right now about homeschooling. It isn't fair to pain the WHOLE UPC with such a broad brush. To say they are all legalist or they are all this or that. I warn my kids not to say never or always and this is the same thing. There are good good loving people in that church. People who love Jesus, and love people. Not everyone buys the propoganda thats going on in that church right now. I'd love to say, Well then why do they stay, its hypocritical ect. But the Lord led us to leave, and he may be leading them to stay. There is a reason I had to be there and the journey is leading us onto somewhere else. I dont' know the thoughts and intents of those womens hearts about church and why they stay or don't stay. I just know that they have shown me love and acceptance and that may be hard for them to do. I'll just be thankful for it.

I keep avoiding this topic,which always means I should just talk about it

I notice this reluctance to talk about what actually happened and why we really left. I tend to give vague pat answers like "Oh, it wasn't the place for us anymore" or something to that effect. What really happened was this. Our pastor got on this kick about a building fund and wanting to expand our church. I honestly didn't pay this much attention. The daycare was supposed to pay for a building project,our current building is paidfor and very nice. I just didn't get it,I also didn't particularily care if they built or not. Then there was talk of some agency or ..some people wanting to look at folks finiances and show you were you could work out the money to pledge. This is where I said WHAT! No way. It never happened,but my best two friends had husbands in leadership.I never should have heard what was going on in the leadership meetings,but I did. I think he figured out that people wouldn't take it , that was too far. So it didn't proceed. Our church also runs this program called the Adopt A Block. In a nutshell they go on saturdays to disadvantaged neighborhoods, and the projects. They knock doors, give kids a candy bag, if the elderly or disabled need yard work or osmething done they do it. I say they, cause I never did the block. In the meantime we're donating sodas (must be name brand) toys for a raffle and gift cards. Once a quarter there would be a block party. Kinda like a carnival, rock walls, jumpy houses ect and food. Between the two was church. I will tell you this about Aposotlics, you cannot find better music. I mean , Elvis was a Pentecostal lol. The choir, sign language ministery (My girls really miss sign) would keep folks pretty much paying attention then the preacher would preach. Honestly, I never made it all the way to the end of a block service. From 11-5. Often in the heat. I dont' want a hamburger that bad, and I'm already saved lol. Good was coming from it,I saw people get baptized....but where are they now? Our youth was baptizing people in the fountains downtown. People were "getting saved" but where are those people? Not in our church. I had my doubts about the whole deal after about two years of it and no church growth. But ya know, if ONE child remembers the love they were shown and finds Jesus at some point in their life, It'd be worth all the microwaves,bikes ect. I didn't door knock, I can tell you I am NOT called to that. God has something for everybody,but sending me to the projects to hear all about how life knocks you down doesn't work for me. I was a teenage mother too , have no relationship with my father, I had some childhood abuse too. We were poor, uneducated and we lived right down there in that same neighborhood. Now we don't. Trust me , I am not the best canidate. The point was that you develop relationships with people in those communities. I saw them then go to the relationships with individuals in the church and have their light bills paid, diapers bought ect. Sun we'd have a block party Monday the pawn shop is full of bikes,microwaves ect. I believe in personal evangelism. Pastor would get out the net and talk about casting a big net ect. I just don't buy it. Jesus didnt' have any programs,he just lived and people wanted to be near that. Our life should be our testimony,not handing out a microwave. The whole time this is going on he is preaching about reaching to the poor. In a nutshell if you dont' do my adopt a block your going to hell. I'm the pastor and I've commanded you to do it. Aposotlics are large on pastorial authority and most of them will do something just because the preacher said. Honey and I still went to the block parties,bought a bicycle and called it good. Then from the pulpit pastor said "Don't come telling me God told you to do so and so,why are you telling me anyway? God trumps me so do whatever it is you want me to believe God told you. God don't talk to you and if you were being led in my church he'd give me a confirmation" UHMM WHAT!!! I called him and asked for an explaination. He gave me one and basically said it was somewhat out of context as someone in specific had told him God was leading them to do something that was unbiblical . Yeah, that ait' what he said and it ain't what he meant. Then came the great revival. A man called Brother Phillips came. He was presented as a "prophet" and while he felt REALLY OFF to me. Warning bells were going off in my head, and some of the other people in the congreation too. He didnt start off too strange, talking to folks about their ailments and family troubles and how the Holy Ghost was gonna minister. I went that night and sat in the balcony. Alot of people were in the balcony. Up there where he can't lay hands on ya. That night it was too much. A total dog and pony show. Pretty much it goes like this...." brother big fat man, I see a problem on your 1, 2, no 4th lumbar and God is going to touch that right now." Then he grabs ya by the head and goes to screaming in something that is supposed to sound like tongues but it mostly just scary. I never heard anybody talk in tongues and sound angry before. I was sitting there thinking what is wrong with you people! They at it up. He told someone to shoot the neighbors dog because it had a spirit. Someone else got the same story about a cat. Sell your car, theres a spirit attached to it. Uhmm or you could have the victory and run the devil off..since when do we run from the Devil? Thats the only service our family attended,but I did watch some on the 'net. This went on for six weeks. We didnt' go to church. A family with whom we are very close actually moved. He said as an Evangelist he couldn't preach out from under our pastor because he was letting this go on. It became clear to us that either our pastor was deceived, or he was deceiving people to get those big numbers in the church, and big money for the building fund ect. Either way it ain't cool. He visited two other churches in the area during that six week time. Both of those churches have now split. A year later he came back. We had new service times during the summer. Childrens church Sat. at 6. Sunday services were from 4 til about 7:30. The first half being sundayschool. We went for the first half, stayed for the choir and then left before he did his thing. This is when Nathan and I started to fight. Before we even got in the car good on the way home we were fussing. We fussed if I like something the preacher said, then I might as well go on and join Bro Phillips and cook him a casserole. If I didn't like something I was being negative. I said he was hindering my worship with his attitudes,we fought over NOTHING. For us this is so bizarre. 17 years and we rarely fuss. These were getting to be knock down drag outs. My husband was angry with the church and was having a very hard tiem seperating it from God. I looked like the church I guess all that hair, and no make up ect. So he lashed out at me. It was so bad, we took an rv trip in June and we were worried if we could stand to be in the rv together! Funny, the futher from home we got the better we got along. I started noticing some serious theological flaws in my girls, and big time judgemental attitudes. I was SHOCKED,they aren't learning this at home. They told me that one of their little friends who is saved as Billy Graham and comes from a wonderful christian family A told me they "only have a portion of the truth, they aren't walking in the fullness of it" How insane. I dont' believe you have to speak in tongues to go to heaven, never have. Have told my kids that isn't true..but they go to sundayschool. There is a serious elitism about standards. I went to Honey,..we can't raise our kids like this! Honey said to wait it out. Our business was consuming his every thought at that point, we were behind on some contracts and he was working 16 hour days. He didnt 'have the time or energy to change something. The guy left and church resumed as normal. The length of those services is insane. The volume of the music makes your head ring, we never made it to the end of the service. My youngest started this compulsive repenting. I would tell her to repent over and over lacked faith. Just tell God your sorry one time and move on. Your 7, how sinful can you be that it requires all this bawling! She carried these huge feelings of guilt for the slightest things. One of them being the ear piercings she got when she was 5,but took out because they didnt' heal properly. The pastor is bererated everyone constantly who may not believe in the Word of Faith the guy spoke. Interesting, he started out a prophet, the ended up just operating in the gift of faith..Yeah cause if he was a prophet then what he said WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN. IT wasn't. The words of the Lord dont return in vain. ( I'll have to find the verse for that) Meantime, as long as Honey misses church we get along ok, but not great. Then I notice that my "friends" aren't talking to me. I am finding myself uninvited to things. Wow, this is wierd! I'm being shunned while I am still there. Not by everyone just my close circle, who happen to be leadership. I heard the pastor say, "you can't be in leadership and disagree with me, what flows through me has to flow through you and out into the body" Huh, thats a load of manure. then some things were said about not fellowshipping with people you know are in sin. To gaurd your hert against infleuances ect. I was being put out of the sewing circle cause Honey and I stayed out of church while Brother Fraud was here. I see. Cool thing about that is, that allowed me to step back and see the whole picture. Before I had two other ladies who also were anti to discuss this with..or to listen. They did far far more talking than me. They still attended though, clapped and smiled. They played the game..I did not. When Sister somebody calls and says lets go to the park! You pack your little lunch pile up the kids and we all go. We're talking about kids, maybe a little about church but we aren't thinking about the whole picture. It kept my mind on the small and immediate things. Take that away, I had time to chew on it. I didnt' have to worry about my girls losing friends if we left. They had lost them while we were there. There were no more consequences! Hallejuah, I see all this so clearly. The very last service my grandparents came. The pastor said " I never understood people who won't accept the word of faith spoken into their lives. I really dont' understand people who mock the man of God. Matter fact, if he prophecied that her cancer would be healed and you mocked it I hope God puts her cancer on you" My grandfather leaned across my grandmother and the children and his eyes met mind down the end of the pew and I could see we were gonna chat rather I liked it or not. I was done, stick a fork in me done. I have heard all about how disagreeing with this man and murmering against him would suck you in a hole, plan your funeral God will curse you. Now , my own pastor is cursing folks with cancer! In the parking lot my grandfather told me, people in authority over you can speak things into your life. This pastor has lost his mind! This isn't Biblical. I can't tell you or your husband what to do or how to do it,but I'm praying your'll find another place to go to church. Honey,thankfully was at work. I told him what was said. He said that was enough of that and we'd attended our last service there. I'm sure I forgot some things, or that some of this doesn't make sense. I am not proofreading , even spell checking. This seems like it'll be easier if I just let it be a stream of consciousness kinda deal and dont' think about it too hard.

sunday so far

I woke up way too early but happy. We had some great friends over last night,there was a bon fire and chili pies. The girls watched Poltergeist,which meant they slept with the hall light on. Everybody was dressed and ready for church on time. No hoopla about clothes or hair,which in my house is amazing. The girls went to the sunday school, I'm not typically a fan of sunday school. However, they did just loose a major chunk of their friends. I don't feel like its churches job to rear them in the fear and admonition of the LORD, its mine so I let them go. In this case I'm letting church be a bit of a social situation for a little while. As time goes on and they start to make friends ect I may have them sit with us again. Apparently these childrens leaders are new and they had them come up front to be annointed and prayed for. I was so proud of my girls for joining in during the worship part of the service and praying for the leaders. I am thankful to the UPC for a few things and giving my children complete freedom in worship is one of them. The other is a good foundation in modesty. They sang Amazing Grace. I don't think I have heard it sang in church in many many years. But it felt like my anthem, my theme song. I know God was ministering to my heart during the service today. He preached on Psalm 112, I think the title of the sermon was Breaking the spirit of Poverty. It was an excellent sermon. He's a very positive pastor. There is no negativity or anger. I don't feel like he's "speaking" to someone in his congregation. Its just the Word. So far its a very comfortable place to be. I have to check my own judgemental spirit once in a while. Like in my head "oh my, that sister doing that singing has ONE SHORT SKIRT on" Yeah she did, thats a fact. My sin is judging that woman while she's getting her pray on. I never would have considered myself judgemental but I am learning that there are things I am kinda funny about. I mean, I didn't think she was a harlot out of the pits of hell or that she shouldn't be allowed to sing. It isn't that blatant. My sin really is noticing her negatives at all. I should have thought "oh, that woman sings with her whole heart and what an instrument God has given her" Women in pants in church is something I am going to have to adjust to. Again, it isnt' that in my conscious mind I am thinking anything bad. Its just that I notice it at all. I don't really think it should be the first thing I notice about someone. I am really praying for God to help me. Then we went to Ruby Tuesdays and used our buy one get one coupon. Dinner out, AND I got to feel all frugal. Husband and I have both been working on our bodies. He's doing Body for Life and its AMAZING what he's done to his body. I have lost 20 lbs and 15 inches. Today is our "free day" I'm impressed with my own self. I see where I have really shifted my thinking. My free meal was a turkey avacado burger with fries..I only ate half! I felt so full. We have a teeny carton of gelato we're going to share tonight. God is being so good to us. The healthier we get in one area or another it bleeds over into the rest. Pretty Groovy huh. That fear that we'll leave "the church" and it'll all just go to pot appears to be unfounded. The more distance we put between our family and that church the happier and healthier we are.

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.
"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)"Amazing graceHow sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found Was blind, but now I see'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy rains Unending love, Amazing grace The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures He will my shield and portion beAs long as life endures The earth shall soon dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine But God, Who called me here below Will be forever mine Will be forever mine You are forever mine