Blessed and Highly Favored

I have been noticing that the more content and happy the main areas of my life become some other area will go completely to pot or be a source of aggravation. I don't think that my marriage has ever been this good, despite our ups and downs we've always been solid.But now, we've fallen in love all over again. My children are happy and well adjusted. I am very happy with the current church situation so all the things that count are good. All is well. The stuff that isn't is money, business, relationships with some "friends" I thought I had. My grandparents health isn't good..on and on it goes. In the big scheme these are things that I shouldn't have anxiety over. Money will pass away, the business will be ok or it wont the Lord will provide either way.My grandparents are old, and they are going to go Home and me being in a wad won't stop that. The Devil goes around roaring like a lion and dumb ol' me falls for it sometimes. All that worry distracts me from being thankful for how incredibly blessed I am. A resolution for this year is to not worry , be anxious for nothing.

Interesting experiment for the UPCers

I have really been having this struggle. I think it is fairly common for people who leave the UPC to feel as though everything in their life that goes wrong is because they left the UPC which btw is the ONLY way to heaven (whatever..) Never mind that you've always had problems and the Lord is always just on time.no this time he may not be cause I got some pants on! This destructive thinking sneaks in through the backdoor. No rational logial person would ever admit to thinking this or would even believe it if it were said to them directly. What happens the Pastor says this family or that family left over such and mess and now they are all backslid and heroin addicted. Or "don't leave this church and then call ME when you get in some accident and expect me to come pray for you" on and on this goes until you absorb some of it. I have really been praying about this tendency because its such a negative view of God. What father would allow some castrophe to happen to his child because she wore jeans, or got a trim? How incredibly disproportionate. I find it hard to imagine my Father who loves me being that harsh. So upon much prayer I felt led to read Galatians. NO idea why I'm up at 2 a.m. reading Galatians other than the Lord told me to. So heres what you do if your in bondage to a bunch of standards and legalistic junk. Everywhere in Galatians Paul uses the word "circumcision", "law" or anything like that plug in the word STANDARDS. That'll clear it all up for ya.

I will rejoice and be glad..

We have some hard things happening with our business. I keep fighting these thoughts of if I did this or that right we wouldn't have these problems. I trimmed my hair, put on some jewerly and pants..and now God is withdrawing his hand from us. I KNOW that isn't true. The truth is there is a depression going on and for us to just now be feeling it is amazing. God has brought us through, and he didn't bring us this far to leave us. I have this guilt, doubt cycle a tape that plays in my head and makes me doubt myself. I have to have faith that we're going to come through this and I can't have the enemy sneaking in and making me doubt the security we have in Jesus. I have this song stuck in my head..Then you filled me, then you healed me then you washed my sins away and I will be glad...
Can't for the life of me remember who sings that

I bought a pair of jeans today

silly that would be some sort of milestone,but it really feels like one.

Little Hitler

I ran into someone the other day who told me that her family had been kicked out of our old church. I have never heard of anyone actually being asked to leave I was flabbergasted. This persons mother has been there longer than the pastor...well over thirty years. She was head of the deaf ministery. Her husband the best drummer ever and they both sang in the choir. They have a 15 year old son. A real big bruiser of a boy, and the sweetest most sincere God seeking boy I have ever seen. It seems to me that most boys don't really seek God until they are older..with children of their own even. But this kid is the real genuine deal. Well, every football coach in the county wanted him on their team..I mean the kid is a Goliath. This could very well pay for his education so he is all signed and suited up and playing highschool ball. The pastor apparently went to them and said the UPCI doesn't condone worldly amusements and the boy shouldn't play. They didn't cow. He preached from the pulpit against football ,he was unkind and it embarassed them terribly. But they didn't cow to him. He went to them and said they weren't paying enough tithes, but they refused to pay more. Then he took their ministeries. Out of the choir, took the deaf ministery off the website. How insane! This woman is an intrepreter for a living, he is willing to loose is ability to minister to the deaf because these folks let their boy play ball? No, its because they wouldn't be bullied. I applaud them and their strength. I am praying for their son. How horrible! Imagine your this 6 ft3 285 lb 15 year old with hands like hams...I mean whats he gonna do be a brain surgeon? Not with those big ol' hands. He wants to play..he was BORN to play ball lol. If he wants to be a surgeon, well ball will pay for the education. He's good, he's fast. You'll be seeing him on t.v. trust me. Then imagine your being told from the pulpit that your gonna go to hell for it! The friends you've always had, their parents won't let them hang with you because you aren't holy enough? The guilt of your family leaving church..not the sister btw she's still there. The pain of losing your place in the world, and the concern that you've backslid the whole family. That kid has to be a hot mess. But thats better than being the same kid and being told "Hey I know you love it but Bro. Webb says no ball, so we're takin you out" The insanity of that. This poor sister, who is still singing in that same choir. Shes 20. She feels like by going to the Assembly of God church her family is backslid..shes indoctrinated to believe that. But they don't look backslid..they look like they are closer to God than ever. Shes very confused. She believes that if they are goin' to hell she isn't going too. Its sad and its conflicting and its seperating that family. My heart breaks for the. The shunning that goes with leaving is terrible. You find yourself very alone, if all your friends are there. I am sure this mother has outside friends..I know some of them. But her children had very few. Its very sad and I know how alone they feel.
That man is running a dictatorship . He is using that pulpit like its a throne and I am amazed that so man people are taking it. How insane! He has elevated himself to the place of God. I really truely believe that he is suffering from a mental problem because he sure hasn't always been this way. I'm going to pray that if thats the case somebody catches on and he can be helped.

I am Jacks complete lack of anything to say

I have not abandoned blogging. I have been spending alot of time in my head though. Blogging is kinda like eating right or getting enough sleep. I have to force myself to do it, but I feel lots better afterward. It is cathartic. I sent two of the kiddos and Honey off to music lessons and that just leaves me and the kid who is happy to watch t.v. so I thought I'd sneak in here and have some profoundness proceed outta my mouth. Alas not. I think I will go mop the floors instead, another thing I hate..but always like the way it feels afterward.

big, honkin', deep thoughts

So this morning I read a book about Thanksgiving to the girls. There are things that public schools do that sometimes homeschoolers over look..like teaching the months,or days of the week lol. They aren't so revelent in my life so it hit me last year my little kids didn't know them! How embarassing. Fire safety,stranger danger and roman numerals also things that are easily overlooking in an official 'teaching' sense. They know all the religious meaning and siginificance to our holidays and they know Thanksgivingis about thanksfulness. However, they were woefully ingnorant about the history behind the first thanksgiving. So to the library we go for a week and a half worth of info on thanksgiving, pilgrams, colonists and native americans. Today we read a cut little book that covered some info on thanksgivings around the world and then focused primarily on the colonists and such. There was a line in the book that said that the Pilgrims left England because of a disagreement with their church leaders. I mean thats BIG. They got ticked at the church and went and founded a whole country! They clearly were not United Pentecostals. Pentecostals would still be in England murmuring,bitter and angry at the church but convinced that to go contrary to leadership would send them straight to hell. They couldn't go somewhere else,they'd still be there waiting on a transfer letter from their pastor.

Sometimes a picture says it all

I hate thinking up titles for posts

Honey decided to surprise me with an overnight trip to the Hilton on the beach. He had it all planned out, kids taken care of the whole deal. We really can't afford it and thats part of what made it so sweet. Sometimes you have to put time together ahead of everything else. It was a really great break and we had time to talk about some big things that are going on. We have been having a bit of business trouble, who isn't in this economy? We are trusting God that he didn't bring us this far to leave us. We started doing the Jim Sammons finiancial seminar and that is such an eye opener! It isn't just pay your tithes,save ten percent blah blah. We all know that stuff, and who do you know who (aside from tithes) really has enough money to do what the experts reccomend? He is teaching Biblical principals and in a way that I have never heard it or thought of it.
Sunday we went to church and it was really great! His message was on Esther. It was a really good sermon and included alot of good points. The part that I particularily felt like was just for me is he pointed out that Esther had Hayman at her dinner table. She had dinner with him and the King. She never addressed Hayman,the man who wanted to kill her uncle,and her people. She carry on and make a scene. She stayed focused on the King and allowed him to fight her battles. How many times do I waste my effort focused on the problems rather than the promise? I have found myself at my own dinner table with my enemies and wasn't as wise as Esther. I read there that they bathed in oil for six months and in perfume for six months, in prep. for one night with the king. When he would pick his bride. Everything in the Old Testament is a shadown and type of the New Testament. I believe that Oil symbolises the Holy Ghost and the perfume is the praise of the saints which goes up like incense before God. They prepared for a year to meet this earlthy,carnal,heathen King. We want to pull a drive through, hit church on Sunday a.m. sing a song or two, wave our hand in the air a little. Whew, then its naptime! We should be preparing everyday bathing in the Holy Ghost, sending up praise to our King because one day we are going to stand before him and he is going to choose his Bride.
The childrens leaders asked if middle child could be a "praise leader" they need some older kids that are comfortable praying for others , praising in public ect. Do the dances to the music that kinda stuff. I am overjoyed! She has some learning difficulities. You'd never know it unless you asked her to read,but its a real problem to her self esteem. I took her out of Sunday school for a year because the teacher was horrible about this. She would put her on the spot to read alound in front of the other children. She gave her a worksheet and said she couldnt' have a snack if it wasn't finished. She and I had some words and I took her out of that class. It breaks my heart to think of how my child must have felt. That crossword puzzle with all these big Biblical words may as well been in Greek. In front of everyone, hungry and not getting the same snack everyone else got. This happened to her IN CHURCH! Our church had a big childrens church program on Saturdays. They had alot of little girls leading worship. The "elite" so to speak. The same two families pretty much do everything. She asked if she could help and was told they had enough girls. it really did hurt her feelings, like everywhere she tried to get involved there was a roadblock. I am overjoyed that she's been validated this way in a church setting. I was really worried that all church interaction was negative and was going to hurt her spirit long term. She has such a presence,a dignity that is unusual in children. She just wants to serve Jesus! I am excited for her to be used. She has had to set at the table with those she considers enemies for a long time in church. Of all the things I regret about where we were the thing that is the biggest is the damage it has done to this particular child. that one sundayschool teacher in one service has had a devastating effect on how A felt about herself. That Queen Bees thing that goes one within the girls her age and that adults allow it has effected her as well.

Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of my enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Psalm 23:5

He's still working on me

I dislike my neighbor. I don't hate her or wish bad things on her, I am happy to help if necessary. I just don't like to interact with her. They visited our church on friends day a few years ago and decided we're nuts and wouldn't let her kids play with mine anymore. She's been aggressively in our business every chance she gets. There is a long list of things I think she did,but can't prove it was her. There is a shorter list of things I KNOW she did. The main thing is she really hurt my girls. They had been friends with those little girls for a year or more. My middle child cried and cried over this. She told hers that they weren't even allowed to speak to mine. Now their family is going through some bad times,the details of which I wish I didn't know and won't share. She has evidently recommitted herself to Christ. Ok, I don't know when she committed the first time but I have never seen any fruit.. Last night she emailed me and said that her "bible teacher" I assume from the large Baptist church they attend, reccommended that she find a "spiritual mentor" and she asked me to do this a couple of times a week. I feel like this woman has always been destructive,unkind and manipulative. I feel like this is some sort of manipulation,as though she's using my christianity as in "in" for some reason. Why wouldn't the Bible teacher rec someone in their own congreation? Something smells fishy,but I also feel like I should do it. Clear the air about some things. Set some firm boundaries,and have a Bible study or some sort. I have prayed for God to use me, let me minister to others,let my life be a light on a hill..this isn't what I meant lol. I feel like to do this I have to have full forgiveness of her and oddly enough I realized that I don't want to forgive her totally. I seem to enjoy that teeny little grudge. I'm going to have to put that under the blood today. I can't just walk around unforgiving. This other stuff, we'll take it slow and see how it goes.

Fantastic day

It is absolutely beautiful out. Our homeschool has been so smooth today. The doors are open and beans are cookin'. Chores are being done. Heck, I'm even down another two pounds. Its domestic bliss here.
I deleted most of my church folk off my facebook some time ago. That sounds so serious and hardcore to "defriend" people. It wasn't intended to be. It started simple enough. My neice had a birthday. I went to the party, some pictures were taken. Seeings how I washed that gray right outta my hair, put on some make up and lost twenty pounds , I was pretty darn happy with said picture. I used it as my profile pic on facebook. OH MY , you'd have thought I posted a pic of myself in a pair of daisy dukes sucking on a crack pipe. The news of me wearing make up and jewerly and being bold enough to put it on a public forum hit the phone lines like crazy. My friend who lives four hours away called and said she's afraid I'm "spiritually regressing" Sister Used to be My Best Friend, had apparently called and asked her if she'd seen the photo. Seriously, people were emailing and calling one another. It was like NEWS lol. So I figured rather than feed the rumor mill and worry about stuff constantly I'd defriend 'em. I mean they aren't speaking to me anyway. Facebook was just a little window into my life. A way to say "See, I told ya they were backslid"What impresses me is three of those ladies (and one of their husbands) have "friended" me back. There is one lady who has always been sweet and wonderful and so not caught up in the "mess" of the church, I have always talked to her alot. She is no different than she ever was. We're having a fb convo right now about homeschooling. It isn't fair to pain the WHOLE UPC with such a broad brush. To say they are all legalist or they are all this or that. I warn my kids not to say never or always and this is the same thing. There are good good loving people in that church. People who love Jesus, and love people. Not everyone buys the propoganda thats going on in that church right now. I'd love to say, Well then why do they stay, its hypocritical ect. But the Lord led us to leave, and he may be leading them to stay. There is a reason I had to be there and the journey is leading us onto somewhere else. I dont' know the thoughts and intents of those womens hearts about church and why they stay or don't stay. I just know that they have shown me love and acceptance and that may be hard for them to do. I'll just be thankful for it.

I keep avoiding this topic,which always means I should just talk about it

I notice this reluctance to talk about what actually happened and why we really left. I tend to give vague pat answers like "Oh, it wasn't the place for us anymore" or something to that effect. What really happened was this. Our pastor got on this kick about a building fund and wanting to expand our church. I honestly didn't pay this much attention. The daycare was supposed to pay for a building project,our current building is paidfor and very nice. I just didn't get it,I also didn't particularily care if they built or not. Then there was talk of some agency or ..some people wanting to look at folks finiances and show you were you could work out the money to pledge. This is where I said WHAT! No way. It never happened,but my best two friends had husbands in leadership.I never should have heard what was going on in the leadership meetings,but I did. I think he figured out that people wouldn't take it , that was too far. So it didn't proceed. Our church also runs this program called the Adopt A Block. In a nutshell they go on saturdays to disadvantaged neighborhoods, and the projects. They knock doors, give kids a candy bag, if the elderly or disabled need yard work or osmething done they do it. I say they, cause I never did the block. In the meantime we're donating sodas (must be name brand) toys for a raffle and gift cards. Once a quarter there would be a block party. Kinda like a carnival, rock walls, jumpy houses ect and food. Between the two was church. I will tell you this about Aposotlics, you cannot find better music. I mean , Elvis was a Pentecostal lol. The choir, sign language ministery (My girls really miss sign) would keep folks pretty much paying attention then the preacher would preach. Honestly, I never made it all the way to the end of a block service. From 11-5. Often in the heat. I dont' want a hamburger that bad, and I'm already saved lol. Good was coming from it,I saw people get baptized....but where are they now? Our youth was baptizing people in the fountains downtown. People were "getting saved" but where are those people? Not in our church. I had my doubts about the whole deal after about two years of it and no church growth. But ya know, if ONE child remembers the love they were shown and finds Jesus at some point in their life, It'd be worth all the microwaves,bikes ect. I didn't door knock, I can tell you I am NOT called to that. God has something for everybody,but sending me to the projects to hear all about how life knocks you down doesn't work for me. I was a teenage mother too , have no relationship with my father, I had some childhood abuse too. We were poor, uneducated and we lived right down there in that same neighborhood. Now we don't. Trust me , I am not the best canidate. The point was that you develop relationships with people in those communities. I saw them then go to the relationships with individuals in the church and have their light bills paid, diapers bought ect. Sun we'd have a block party Monday the pawn shop is full of bikes,microwaves ect. I believe in personal evangelism. Pastor would get out the net and talk about casting a big net ect. I just don't buy it. Jesus didnt' have any programs,he just lived and people wanted to be near that. Our life should be our testimony,not handing out a microwave. The whole time this is going on he is preaching about reaching to the poor. In a nutshell if you dont' do my adopt a block your going to hell. I'm the pastor and I've commanded you to do it. Aposotlics are large on pastorial authority and most of them will do something just because the preacher said. Honey and I still went to the block parties,bought a bicycle and called it good. Then from the pulpit pastor said "Don't come telling me God told you to do so and so,why are you telling me anyway? God trumps me so do whatever it is you want me to believe God told you. God don't talk to you and if you were being led in my church he'd give me a confirmation" UHMM WHAT!!! I called him and asked for an explaination. He gave me one and basically said it was somewhat out of context as someone in specific had told him God was leading them to do something that was unbiblical . Yeah, that ait' what he said and it ain't what he meant. Then came the great revival. A man called Brother Phillips came. He was presented as a "prophet" and while he felt REALLY OFF to me. Warning bells were going off in my head, and some of the other people in the congreation too. He didnt start off too strange, talking to folks about their ailments and family troubles and how the Holy Ghost was gonna minister. I went that night and sat in the balcony. Alot of people were in the balcony. Up there where he can't lay hands on ya. That night it was too much. A total dog and pony show. Pretty much it goes like this...." brother big fat man, I see a problem on your 1, 2, no 4th lumbar and God is going to touch that right now." Then he grabs ya by the head and goes to screaming in something that is supposed to sound like tongues but it mostly just scary. I never heard anybody talk in tongues and sound angry before. I was sitting there thinking what is wrong with you people! They at it up. He told someone to shoot the neighbors dog because it had a spirit. Someone else got the same story about a cat. Sell your car, theres a spirit attached to it. Uhmm or you could have the victory and run the devil off..since when do we run from the Devil? Thats the only service our family attended,but I did watch some on the 'net. This went on for six weeks. We didnt' go to church. A family with whom we are very close actually moved. He said as an Evangelist he couldn't preach out from under our pastor because he was letting this go on. It became clear to us that either our pastor was deceived, or he was deceiving people to get those big numbers in the church, and big money for the building fund ect. Either way it ain't cool. He visited two other churches in the area during that six week time. Both of those churches have now split. A year later he came back. We had new service times during the summer. Childrens church Sat. at 6. Sunday services were from 4 til about 7:30. The first half being sundayschool. We went for the first half, stayed for the choir and then left before he did his thing. This is when Nathan and I started to fight. Before we even got in the car good on the way home we were fussing. We fussed if I like something the preacher said, then I might as well go on and join Bro Phillips and cook him a casserole. If I didn't like something I was being negative. I said he was hindering my worship with his attitudes,we fought over NOTHING. For us this is so bizarre. 17 years and we rarely fuss. These were getting to be knock down drag outs. My husband was angry with the church and was having a very hard tiem seperating it from God. I looked like the church I guess all that hair, and no make up ect. So he lashed out at me. It was so bad, we took an rv trip in June and we were worried if we could stand to be in the rv together! Funny, the futher from home we got the better we got along. I started noticing some serious theological flaws in my girls, and big time judgemental attitudes. I was SHOCKED,they aren't learning this at home. They told me that one of their little friends who is saved as Billy Graham and comes from a wonderful christian family A told me they "only have a portion of the truth, they aren't walking in the fullness of it" How insane. I dont' believe you have to speak in tongues to go to heaven, never have. Have told my kids that isn't true..but they go to sundayschool. There is a serious elitism about standards. I went to Honey,..we can't raise our kids like this! Honey said to wait it out. Our business was consuming his every thought at that point, we were behind on some contracts and he was working 16 hour days. He didnt 'have the time or energy to change something. The guy left and church resumed as normal. The length of those services is insane. The volume of the music makes your head ring, we never made it to the end of the service. My youngest started this compulsive repenting. I would tell her to repent over and over lacked faith. Just tell God your sorry one time and move on. Your 7, how sinful can you be that it requires all this bawling! She carried these huge feelings of guilt for the slightest things. One of them being the ear piercings she got when she was 5,but took out because they didnt' heal properly. The pastor is bererated everyone constantly who may not believe in the Word of Faith the guy spoke. Interesting, he started out a prophet, the ended up just operating in the gift of faith..Yeah cause if he was a prophet then what he said WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN. IT wasn't. The words of the Lord dont return in vain. ( I'll have to find the verse for that) Meantime, as long as Honey misses church we get along ok, but not great. Then I notice that my "friends" aren't talking to me. I am finding myself uninvited to things. Wow, this is wierd! I'm being shunned while I am still there. Not by everyone just my close circle, who happen to be leadership. I heard the pastor say, "you can't be in leadership and disagree with me, what flows through me has to flow through you and out into the body" Huh, thats a load of manure. then some things were said about not fellowshipping with people you know are in sin. To gaurd your hert against infleuances ect. I was being put out of the sewing circle cause Honey and I stayed out of church while Brother Fraud was here. I see. Cool thing about that is, that allowed me to step back and see the whole picture. Before I had two other ladies who also were anti to discuss this with..or to listen. They did far far more talking than me. They still attended though, clapped and smiled. They played the game..I did not. When Sister somebody calls and says lets go to the park! You pack your little lunch pile up the kids and we all go. We're talking about kids, maybe a little about church but we aren't thinking about the whole picture. It kept my mind on the small and immediate things. Take that away, I had time to chew on it. I didnt' have to worry about my girls losing friends if we left. They had lost them while we were there. There were no more consequences! Hallejuah, I see all this so clearly. The very last service my grandparents came. The pastor said " I never understood people who won't accept the word of faith spoken into their lives. I really dont' understand people who mock the man of God. Matter fact, if he prophecied that her cancer would be healed and you mocked it I hope God puts her cancer on you" My grandfather leaned across my grandmother and the children and his eyes met mind down the end of the pew and I could see we were gonna chat rather I liked it or not. I was done, stick a fork in me done. I have heard all about how disagreeing with this man and murmering against him would suck you in a hole, plan your funeral God will curse you. Now , my own pastor is cursing folks with cancer! In the parking lot my grandfather told me, people in authority over you can speak things into your life. This pastor has lost his mind! This isn't Biblical. I can't tell you or your husband what to do or how to do it,but I'm praying your'll find another place to go to church. Honey,thankfully was at work. I told him what was said. He said that was enough of that and we'd attended our last service there. I'm sure I forgot some things, or that some of this doesn't make sense. I am not proofreading , even spell checking. This seems like it'll be easier if I just let it be a stream of consciousness kinda deal and dont' think about it too hard.

sunday so far

I woke up way too early but happy. We had some great friends over last night,there was a bon fire and chili pies. The girls watched Poltergeist,which meant they slept with the hall light on. Everybody was dressed and ready for church on time. No hoopla about clothes or hair,which in my house is amazing. The girls went to the sunday school, I'm not typically a fan of sunday school. However, they did just loose a major chunk of their friends. I don't feel like its churches job to rear them in the fear and admonition of the LORD, its mine so I let them go. In this case I'm letting church be a bit of a social situation for a little while. As time goes on and they start to make friends ect I may have them sit with us again. Apparently these childrens leaders are new and they had them come up front to be annointed and prayed for. I was so proud of my girls for joining in during the worship part of the service and praying for the leaders. I am thankful to the UPC for a few things and giving my children complete freedom in worship is one of them. The other is a good foundation in modesty. They sang Amazing Grace. I don't think I have heard it sang in church in many many years. But it felt like my anthem, my theme song. I know God was ministering to my heart during the service today. He preached on Psalm 112, I think the title of the sermon was Breaking the spirit of Poverty. It was an excellent sermon. He's a very positive pastor. There is no negativity or anger. I don't feel like he's "speaking" to someone in his congregation. Its just the Word. So far its a very comfortable place to be. I have to check my own judgemental spirit once in a while. Like in my head "oh my, that sister doing that singing has ONE SHORT SKIRT on" Yeah she did, thats a fact. My sin is judging that woman while she's getting her pray on. I never would have considered myself judgemental but I am learning that there are things I am kinda funny about. I mean, I didn't think she was a harlot out of the pits of hell or that she shouldn't be allowed to sing. It isn't that blatant. My sin really is noticing her negatives at all. I should have thought "oh, that woman sings with her whole heart and what an instrument God has given her" Women in pants in church is something I am going to have to adjust to. Again, it isnt' that in my conscious mind I am thinking anything bad. Its just that I notice it at all. I don't really think it should be the first thing I notice about someone. I am really praying for God to help me. Then we went to Ruby Tuesdays and used our buy one get one coupon. Dinner out, AND I got to feel all frugal. Husband and I have both been working on our bodies. He's doing Body for Life and its AMAZING what he's done to his body. I have lost 20 lbs and 15 inches. Today is our "free day" I'm impressed with my own self. I see where I have really shifted my thinking. My free meal was a turkey avacado burger with fries..I only ate half! I felt so full. We have a teeny carton of gelato we're going to share tonight. God is being so good to us. The healthier we get in one area or another it bleeds over into the rest. Pretty Groovy huh. That fear that we'll leave "the church" and it'll all just go to pot appears to be unfounded. The more distance we put between our family and that church the happier and healthier we are.

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.
"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)"Amazing graceHow sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found Was blind, but now I see'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy rains Unending love, Amazing grace The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures He will my shield and portion beAs long as life endures The earth shall soon dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine But God, Who called me here below Will be forever mine Will be forever mine You are forever mine

defensive

I realized this morning in a conversation with my husband that I am defensive on this whole church thing. I was bristly and he was agreeing with me! I have been examining this and the root of it is failure. Leaving the entire denomination is like getting a divorce. You feel as though your admitting failure,even if that isn't the case. In addition to that everytime I leave the house in this little town I see someone. They are often visibly taken aback by the difference in my appearance..though it seems pretty minimal to me. This outward evidence of my "backsliding" and then I have to interact with those people. I refuse to defend or justify myself...on the outside..but on the inside I'm still on the defense. My family, who aren't churched also say things like "Well, I gave it five years", "what are you gonna do next take up drinking!" Cause you know, a little make up and a bender totally equate. My husband and I have been at odds over the church for a long time..we agreed about things not being good and not being right yet we fussed over it. Its a spirit of division and its all through that church,the divorce rate is astronomical. So I have BIG GIANT GIRLY FEELINGS about all this and it just dawned on me that its bleeding through in my interaction with others. No matter how well adjusted we are, and how happy I am to have left. We are in the best place we've been in many years. Yet, I am ANGRY. I am angry, and I am defensive about it lol what a mess. I think some folks are waiting on me to say the church was wrong, and I never should have been there ect. That isnt' the case. We had to go through it to come out of it. Thats the journey , thats the point. Life is just a series of experiences,and I had to have that one. Its hard to explain to someone who has never been there. It doesn't feel like your getting into a bondage relationship with the church. It feels like acceptance, and love. Big gatherings,game nights and dinners. Children (you think) your kinds can play with and you not worry about infleuances. I mean, most of these kids don't have televisions. I feels like a place where you are free to worship, and meet Jesus at the alter. There is support and love there and a general sense of gettin right with Jesus. It isnt' until later you arent' free to worship or cry at the alter..your expected to. At first its a sense of belonging, and people who are putting their faith into action. You don't see people being judgemental until years later when they know you well enough to not have public face. Or if you do hear a judgy statement it appears to be wrapped in concern and love. All good gossip is phrased as a prayer request I have figured out. So I think I have to defend myself against the feeling of stupidity. Of course I shoulda known better. My word, just google UPC and it'll pull up tons of cult sites. The best being www.spiritualabuse.org . It feels like my poor judgement. But that really isn't the case most likely. I thought that I'd do what I wanted and leave the rest, but you really can't do that for years and years. I hate that I was weak enough to follow a herd. That is totally not my style it isn't who my husband and I are in anyway. I have always heard my own drummer. But one day I look around and think OH MY! I have nearly assimilated. I have a folder left over from my freshman year of highschool. It has a bumper sticker across it that says "Assimilation is Death" I see it often , its in my desk drawer. Thats how I felt. I have just given over who I am,my next thought was "Oh , hell no" It snuck up on me! So yes, it is alot of bonage and it is a burden..but if it was like that in the beginning nobody would sign up. Its deceptive, thats the dangerous part. So if I've been angry, come on too aggressive or been defensive. Forgive me. Its cause I feel all of those things, I just should not spew them all over others.

Being shunned bites

For the most part I don't get overly invested in friendships. I am more of a life of the party, lots and lots of acquaintences but one a couple good friends kinda gal. My heart hurts for that good friend who can't deal with me not being a part of the hive mind. I'm actually surprised, she rarely goes with the flow. Or so it seemed. The pastor started preaching pretty hard about not fellowshipping with people who were in sin, or who would infleuance you negatively ect. Two of my good friends, that I traveled with,camped with, prayed with and loved took a giant step back from me. It took me a week or two to figure it out as they were polite enough. I went to the one that I felt the closest to and said "Hey, have I offended you somehow..tell me or I will do it again" she smiled her soft spoken I'm so so spiritual little smile and said nothing was the matter at all. Shes just busy! what with having eight kids and all! I know her, we went and did a ton of stuff when she had little kids, babies ect. Now one is out of the house, two in college and the baby is four so I dont buy it. I have seen her pull that I am so busy with my own family stuff a hundred times when she didn't want to do something. Three weeks or so went on and Sister more spiritual than you called and wanted me to come to her house. We needed to talk face to face. I thought GREAT. Lets hash this junk out. It really was more of the same. Basically she said she'd taken a job in the evenings cleaning commercial buildings. She was taking homeschooling way more seriously with the two littles and just didn't have time to be a good friend. She indicated that this wasn' tgoing to change. WOW, I felt like I was being broken up with after all these years. I took that time to tell her I was having serious doubts about the church and the supposed "prophet" we'd had. She btw also thought he was just the Devil. She told me she'd taken wise counsel (read talked to the pastor) and was told that if she disagreed to "rise above it, endure to the end" and thats what she aimed to do. I said "Sister yall go on ahead, but that man wised cancer on folks last night and I am NOT having my children sit under this mess not one more service. Husband and I have decided to leave. She again was loving and meek and kind and all that crap she puts on to be.Nothing like the real her I have known all these years. I was getting public face and it was making me angry. During this talk Sister Shunner number 2 called! One of the kids announced who it was off the caller id and she said she'd call her back. So then I decided it was time to conclude this whole mess..I said we'll I'll let you go so you can call her back and give her the downlow on our little convo. She was stunned I'd be that direct but the whole thing hurt my feelings terribly. I haven't spoken to either of them since. I am still in very close contact with ONE Apostolic friend. Her husband moved the entire family away to go to another church because he thought the prophet stuff going on at our church wasn't of God. Obviously they are more inclined to have independent thoughts than some of the others. I say only one person really hurt my feelings because I expected it from the rest. There are still times I'd like to call up someone for dinner, or to go to the park that kind of thing and its kinda nuts to realize I have like two friends at this point. Crazy huh? Thats two friends ahead of alot of folks. My grandmother has told me how awful and unchristian ect shunning is and I didn't really think it'd be any big deal. It is a big deal. This is how the whole culty deal works. People can't leave because their entire family,friends (thankfully we had outside friends) their whole life is there and its traumatic to have it shut down on you. So do what I say or you'll have no life. How nutty is that!

UPC what they believe and where I'm coming from

My parents divorced when I was very young,and they were young parents. I therefore had young grandparents. They kept me every other weekend and for weeks at the time during the summer for as long as I remember. I truely thank my mother for allowing that, she didn't have to. My grandfather was an Assembly of God minister until retirement age about two years ago. They truely raised me to just have a relationship with Jesus,thats just that simple. Around thirteen or so I backslid big time. My mother isn't saved and its difficult to keep your feet on the path at that age. I also married an athiest. We had a child and I truely sought the Lord. I read my Bible when he wasn' thome as it irked him,and I didn't even try the church thing. I just kept praying,listening to preaching on tape or t.v. Then something marvelous happened. He worked out of town and he came home saved! He'd been to a revival at an AOG church somewhere in the middle of a field in Lousiana. He came home with a Bible under his arm and was truely a different man. Imagine my relief! We already homeschooled ect. Not alot of lifestyle changed, we've never been partiers or drinkers. But our spiritual life bloomed. We were talking about the Bible and it was so exciting. What about this or that...1 Cor. 11:6 does that mean not to cut your hair or to cover your actual head, does it mean to have long hair..or that if ye be contentious it isnt' for our day? We really poured over the word. We were going to an AOG church,but it wasn't home. Before long we started looking for somewhere a little more uhmmmmm hardcore lol. Somewhere they weren't just preaching the promises of the Word but the obedience too. We'd bought our house from a man who was apostolic and through that met his wife and her friends. About the same time my husband ran into the Pastors daughter in law. The Pastor came to our house and stayed a very long time. Next thing ya know, we are attending this Apostolic Church. Nothing at that time felt legalistic at all. You just want to please God. I enjoyed the changes we could make because before my husbands salvation I didn't have the ability to make any at all. I remember being in a church service and feeling terrible convicted about my tongue ring, so I went into the bathroom and took it out. It was such a relief off my shoulders, and I prayed through that night because that obstacle was gone. I do believe in a standard of living, dressing and behaving. The difference is when that becomes a legalism and you think your gonna get to heaven faster. so ..what the UPC believes is
They do not believe they are a denomination, or a religion. They preach what they consider the Apostles doctrine and not "post reformation theology" They disput the exsistance of the trinity. Now I personally have figured out that the real issue here is a lack of communication. The upci and the aog split from each other over this issue in the early 1900s and they haven't stopped debating and bickering since. An Apostolic believes Jesus is God manifest flesh. Yeah, the Bible says that. They assert that trinitarians believe in three seperate bodily Gods. I never believed that. God was a Spirit and hovered over the water, Jesus said when you've seen me you've seen the father. The Holy Spirit obviously has no body so when I get to heaven Yeah Jesus is what I expect to see. 1 John says "these three are one" and most folks agree with that. Aposotlics want to argue over this word "trinity' as they say it isnt' in the Bible. Uhm neither is rapture but I'm planning to go. I really think its something to fuss over. Great are the mysteries of Godliness. The other issue is baptism. We get called Jesus only alot. That isn't true as that implies that we don't believe in God or the Holy Ghost. Its more like Jesus everything. I do believe in a Jesus name baptism. Acts 2:38. I just think that Apostolics belabor this to death, ingnoring the thief on the cross wasn't baptised and they make it all about salvation rather than obedience. This annoys me to no end. Its Acts 2:38 all the time, and no real word just fussing over what we say when we dunk you. I believe it because nowhere do you find anyone actually baptized in any name other than Jesus. Read through Acts. "What soever ye do in word or deed " I know in Matthew it says "baptizing them in the name of the Father, the name of the Son and the name of the Holy Ghost." But those are titles not names. I am a mother,daughter,wife, I can't write any of those titles or relationships on a check and cash it. diagram that sentence and you'll be left wondering what that name is and its Jesus. So thats a point I'll agree with the UPC on, I just don't think you go to hell if you dont "do it right" God honors the intents of our hearts. The next issue is the Holy Ghost. The baptism of the Holy Ghost is evidenced by the utterance of other tongues. They say no tongues no heaven. Thats just the dumbest thing ever! Its always annoyed me. I assert that the indwelling of the Holy Ghost happens the instant you accept Jesus and the baptism of the Holy Ghost and with fire as the Spirit gives utterance are two different works. To say you have to speak in tongues to get to heaven ingnores everything Paul has to say about how the gifts of the Spirit work. It means ONLY UPC folk will get to heaven and it puts an enormous pressure on them to prove they got it. Hence, some faking goin' on. So there is a three step salvation here. Repent, be baptized, speak in tongues. Uhmm yeah, I don't buy it. I was in that church 5 years and never bought it. My kids don't buy it, thanks to homeschooling they get a BIG dose of Bible each day. I am thankful that I have my grandparents, alot of this stuff didn't sink into my head because of them. However, I have repented,been baptized in Jesus name and spoke in tongues. So you'd think "Hey I'm safe either way , why split hairs" I should have split hairs cause wrong theology is wrong theology! I was lazy.
Standards. The UPCI wholeheartedly disapproves of folks participating in worldly amusements like the movie theater, dances, mixed swimming, and until the General Conference last year they disapproved of telelvision sets in the home. For the record my family has always done all of these things. Standards of dress were never preached in our church , they are in many and are presented as hellfire issues. Our church was much much more subtle. When you get there some nice sister will immediately offer you a home Bible study. Your family will go to their house eat dessert and do a Bible study. This perfect sister will of course have perfect standards and be the paragon of all that is pure and holy in the world and before long...you are that sister. the only enforced standards in our church are "platform standards" to be on the platform for any reason you have to sign a standards agreement. This says you won't wear pants, jewerly (except a wedding right although thats frowned on too)cut your hair, wear make up go to the theater and so on. Your sleeves must be to the elbow..which I really think is smart. Anyshorter and sister on the plat form does a Hallejuah raises her arm and you see all down her baggy short sleeve. So that I get. And dresses below the knee as to not flash the congregation while you sit in a choir loft. These I think are smart and just make sense and they don't apply to your whole life. Just church services. The hair cutting thing, first off somebody is sure to give you a book called Power before the Throne by Ruth Harvey. We could talk all night about 1 Cor 6:11. So I'll leave each to his own thoughts on this one. I decided I am contentious and I trimmed the funky ends off of my hair. It was hip length all one length very heavy and getting raggedy. I didn't really lose length, just got layers. But cut is cut.This was a very difficult decision to make. Make up. I dunno any scriptural reason for this. Folks talk about Jezebel, and Egypt and all kinds of mess. Jezebel did wear make up and jewerly. So did the Isrealites. She brushed her hair too and I never quit that. I stopped wearing make up simply out of relief of not having to do it! Also after a while it feels just wierd to be the only one with make up on. This is also the first thing I put back on. I dont have a real conviction about this. Dresses only,first Deut. not wearing that which pertains to a man. We could argue that to death too about customs and times and such. Then are dresses more modest? I think so. The Bible says to be set apart and a peculiar people. If I were walking down the road could you immediately identify me as a Christian? I think so. I don't intend to wear pants anytime in the near future out in public. I do wear them to the gym. I also don't think your gonna burn in hell and need repentence if your clothing of choice is jeans. Jewerly. it says not to let your adornment be gold or pearls...ect. I believe the UPC is taking this out of context. Just because I wear my wedding ring does NOT mean that I dont have a meek and quiet spirit. This is about pride not jewerly. They are big on not being vain, or prideful hence the no jewerly. I have always had a nosering. The pastor called and talked to me about Jacob and Rachel and how they and all their people with them took all their jewerly, and noserings were mentioned specifically and they buried them under the tree at Mamere as idols. I decided I dont think my nosering is an idol. Its just there, theres a big hole under it so I keep it. Its part of my face. I countered by saying when they set for a wife for Isaac and found Rebekah by the well, they put bracelets on her wrists and a ring in her nose and took her for a wife. He preached a few services about obedience being better than sacrafice and then he gave up. That nosering meant that I could never volunteer in sundayschool or teach a ladies Bible study. It also irked the heck out of the preacher. Theres prob some stuff in here I forgot to mention. Uhmmmm, laying on of hands , annointing with oil to pray for healing, dancing in the spirit,foot washing (once a year) all things the UPC believes and so do I. They like to decide who is saved and who isn't. My grandmother is the most Godly woman I know. She is fond of the jewerly and make up. This kept me from buying into the standards are salvational stuff. But it didn't keep me from living them. I believe that most people in those churches are sincere, they have good prayer lives, fast and repent like crazy. I'd consider them "saved" if it was up to me. Its unfortunate that they can't see that I am saved too. Everything you do unto God, God appreciates 1Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations.
2For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.
3Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.
4Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.
5One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
6He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.
7For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.
8For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.
9For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.
10But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
11For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.
12So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
13Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
14I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
15But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.
16Let not then your good be evil spoken of:
17For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
18For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.
19Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
20For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.
21It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
22Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. Romans 14.
This got long and rambly lol.

family devotions

Its been BUSY BUSY here. Lots of fall activities with the family and some great friends. Everyone is all kinda jazzed about Halloween. Someone emailed and asked me if we did the "halloween thing" and, yes its something we've always done.
We did go visit a Church of God, and it felt really right. I know the Bible says your heart is exceedingly wicked and deceitful ect. I try to be careful about doing things cause they "feel right". Theologically, I can't argue with them. I had a question or two in particular for the Pastor and he answered them for me. He did some fantastic preaching, the music was good and the Spirit was there. It was nice to see people pray,some in tongues even. They offered people to come be prayed for, annointed ect. What was unusual is the music wasn't blaring, didn't hurt my head and the Pastor didn't scream and spit in anyones face. How refreshing! Everything was decent and in order. No cheerleading...No, "come on church!!" Everybody free to do their thing, no pressure. We have a three visit rule, so there isn't a decision made aside from visiting again Sunday.
Its amazing how smooth things have been for us since leaving. I expected some castrophe. I have heard all about how people leave and the kids get drug addicted, parents divorced and the whole family goes broke. I have decided its all scare tactic. Since leaving the UPC, my husband is so much happier. That spreads itself all around. He's nicer to me, he's a better father. It is amazing how great we're getting along. Our church was have a huge divorce problem. Huge. Our pastor there wasn't giving maritial counseling because he didn't feel qualified with all the maritial issues in our church. His solution? They showed The Love Dare. Gee that oughta fix it. The problem really is that he preaches over and over about not murmuring "in your tents" and all about Cora and getting sucked in a hole for talking about the MAN OF GOD. And it creates a breakdown in maritial communication. People are unhappy about things there, but are unable to talk to their spouse. Either they fear the murmuring stuff, or their husband will rebuke them for daring to speak against the preacher. Also its so loud and the chorus of the song is repeated over and over again. Then the preacher berates you for two hours, by the time you get in the car your just plain cranky. In addition to all that he says things like "If you leave this church your marriage will fall apart, If you speak against me your kids will backslide" You speak that kinda thing over people enough and Yeah, it starts to happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. Getting out of that mess has taken alot of stress off of our relationships. With outselves, our children and with each other. For a while there my husband hasn't been interested in anything spiritual at all. I mean you get beat over the head for several hours a week and it'll turn you off. He has started back heading our family devotions. Our family is in a much healthier place spiritually. I had ordered a cd for Titus 2 ministeries called Feed my sheep. Its about the hows and whys of family devotions. My husband really likes Steve Maxwell and we have purchased alot of materials from their website. I highly rec them.
http://www.titus2.com/

And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 11:19

Deliberate People

I went to Atlanta fest last June with my family. We're worldly and listen to contemporary music lol. We were in a terrible terrible place spiritually. It was two millions degrees, Georgia in June is like the third ring of hell seriously its bad. I'm from Florida and its still too hot for us. Not only is it hot but the entire state is uphill..no joke. Needless to say I was grouchy. I was seeing a judgemental spirit in myself about some standards stuff and I didn't like it. Judgey isn't something that I usually would consider myself at all. I'm all about you be you and I'll be me. I was shocked, and am still shocked at what some of our christian ladies call modest. I was just in a place of grumbling in my spirit. I was determined to make the most of it and to get whatever God was after me to get out of this experience. I felt called to be there or I would have canceled the trip. I felt compelled,yet resentful of it. Anyways, one day in the middle of the beating heat we hiked ourselves up all these hills. BTW its a ton of walking to get anywhere there. I was feeling very very through with all this junk by the time I got sat down. We were seated pretty far back from the stage but they put everything up on these big mega screens. Phil Joel was already starting to speak. I vaguely knew who he was from the Newsboys. There is something about him that is very relatable. Like you just wanna have him over for dinner and see what he thinks about things. What he had to say was very simple,and it was like CPR to my spirit. I felt something start to stir around, the Holy Spirit in me took a tenative breath, I think we were both relieved when I didn't quench the Spirit. I was totally absorbed in every word this man said because I desperately needed to hear this very very simple message. "have a relationship of your own with God." You know, I started there. Everybody starts there, seeking God. Church, Preachers, routine and other relationships get in the way of that. What started out as an honest desire to please God because clouded with the junk of religiousity. This Brothers main message was about getting in the word. That is the first sign to me that I'm not "right" with God, when I neglect the Word. You know that Voice you hear in your head? The one that says "THIS IS GOD..DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW?" I heard that Voice, in a crowd of thousands at this big ol "worldly, contemporary" concert. He said "Could this man speak at your church?" Wow! This beautiful man, who obviously has such a heart for God and what he has to say is so important. He couldn't speak in my UPC church, he has long hair. Jewerly on, uh oh are those short sleeves I see? I was mulling this over more than listening to him now. I turned to tell my husband, and my husband had his face in his lap and was in earnest prayer. That touched my heart, I can't even explain it to you. We were in such a dry place. Then I heard that Voice again and he said, "Could I speak at your church?" That blew my mind! We wouldn't let Jesus take our pulpits because of a beard, because he was different and totally non conformist. That was the first step I took away from our church. How can I sit every week being berated for this or that usually and KNOW that these people wouldn't let Jesus himself take their platform cause he couldn't sign a standards contract. We heard and saw some really impacting people and music. Casting Crowns was awesome, Kutless, Steller Kart it was a fantastic time for our family. But that simple message from Phil Joel was what the trip was about for me. We came home refreshed and unified and ready to take this mess on.

Job 4:4 Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.

www.deliberatepeople.com Check him out. The Deliberate People Album is some great music

Hair,the Church of God and stuff

After some pretty big thinking I went and got my hair trimmed. I had a ton of damage. I called up the salon and next think I knew I was in the chair. I kinda expected to feel like I was doing something wrong. Nope,I felt freed from a bondage. Having all that hair has never bothered me, matter fact I'm fairly vain about my hair. I didn't cut any length off, maybe an inch of the ends. I had the rest layered. So I look like I have the same amount of hair I always had. So it isn't that I was suffering and carrying the yoke of all this hair,although some ladies are. I was in bondage to the idea. Ruth Reider Harvy will get in your brain and convince you of all sortsa kooky unbiblical stuff. What if I cut it and our business fails, will the two be related? This idea that I could somehow sway God,or coerce him into loving me more or giving me more favor. I know it sounds nuts..but spend some time in the UPC and you'll get some ideas too. So while I was having my hair cut the girl that was cutting it was telling me all about her church and how great it is. I'm kinda impressed because young,married people with no children are the hardest demographic to get into church. So she told me the name of the church and its a Church of God. Hubby and I have a list of churches we want to check out and hers is top of the list. How coincidental huh? We're going to go visit Sunday. Ya know, I am positive that I left that place with less hair but with the same Holy Ghost I got there with. Go figure

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light Matthew 11:30

I deleted a post

somethings are thinking things, and I said some things that are better off thought. It wasn't honoring to my mother who despite whatever faults she has is still my mother and I love her.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up

Sooooo I think somebody from REAL LIFE has found my blog. Comment and let me know

Communion

We have been attending an interdenominational church in our area. I don't know if we'll stay there, I was raised Assembly of God and I'd like to go back to it. So I'm letting it ride. Today was Communion, we missed last week on account of death so I didn't know about communion. My husband and son both partook but I just couldn't. Something in my spirit isn't as it should be, it isn't like some BIG OL SIN!!! Its just something isn't centered, I'm looking for balance. I love Jesus, I want to be very sure that I'm not operating in rebellion in anyway. Right now I feel like there are some UPC things that I'm a little unsure of. I want to be sure,in my own heart and not just act out of rebellion. It sounds silly to have to go through a big spiritual rigamarole about hair cutting ect. Honestly, I have to. I am being very careful to examine things on their own merrit using a Bibical measuring stick. I feel a little spun around. The Apostolic church we've always attended had a huge outreach function this weekend. I am seeing alot of pictures and videos in my facebook and it makes me homesick. I know that I have lived in bondage to the church for a long time, I know its going to take time to unravel the mess thats made. But I see pictures of people that I loved, and they are leading people to Jesus and it makes me want to go back. Just wash my face, put on my big girl panties and put up with whatever else happens so that I can have my old life back. I am not cut out that way though, I am made out of way too tough of stuff to be spoonfed manure for the rest of my life. Ingnorance is bliss I think lol..I know some pretty stupid folks and they are pretty happy. I am going to keep plugging along. I know there is somewhere God wants my family to be, there is somewhere he wants to use me. And that burden with be easy and yoke will be light. Anyway, I skipped communion today. I really liked the reverence that was in the place this morning. I prob could have gone to the alter but it doesn't really feel like that kind of place..or at least it didn't today. The music was beautiful, and I did feel the spirit of God. Not the jump a pew, knock your hair loose kinda spirit just a slow move. It was nice to go and marinate in the spirit of God and not feel assaulted and beat over the head.

1 Cor. 11:29 For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body.

Nearly dead

OMG, we have had the worst stuff. I don't know if it was actually H1N1 or what,but I know it was the foulest illness to come straight out of hell. I'm gonna try to find my groove again. My husband did devotions after dinner today. He chose Ephesians 2:8For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9Not of works, lest any man should boast. I have read that verse of course and the UPC realy likes to focus on the next one "created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. " I have heard this belabored to DEATH,usually when the preacher wanted to bully people into door knocking or whatever. But the idea that by grace ye are saved, is a little shocking to my girls. I didn't realize just how much they believed there is a checklist to get to heaven. My husband read the verse and said ok, how are we saved? My seven year old said, Repent and be Baptized..yeah thats true but she had to struggle to accept that my husband is saying "Jesus loves you,through faith your saved" thats it! Thats very different from what she has heard her whole life. I have learned that it doesn't matter what you tell them at home,we homeschool and I have never told them this punative God just waiting on you to screw up stuff...but they believe it. They have absorbed it from their "friends", sunday school teachers ect. These aren't unloving people (mostly) but they are people in bondage to a God who doesn't love them and they have to earn it.
That "lest any man should boast " part OH BOY! I know people who will brag about how holy they are! "Well our family has NEVER done such such ect..we're just so pious and holy and miserable but we have never ever seen a movie" uhmmm yeah okay, you have it then lol. I never thought about it in relation to that verse. Ninety percent of the preaching I have heard for the last 3ish years has been boasting about how holy the preacher is and how great his family is and how much he's been through in his life and how amazing it is that they are so incredibly holy...and faith without works is dead ect. I am so sick of the entire mentality I could just puke.

Step 3: accept that by grace I am saved, and nothing I do adds to that salvation. It won't get me there faster

FIRST POST!

This whole blogging thing is a little scary. Heres the deal, I am having way more thoughts than I want to share with my "real life' if I write it down maybe it'll help. My family is leaving the United Pentecosal Church. When you take your kids out of public school to homeschool they go through something called "deschooling" and eventually start to color outside the lines again. I am dechurching. This whole thing of the UPC is a works based salvation. It is subtle. Nobody SAYS your going to hell for wearing makeup, but the idea worms its way into the back of your brain. Sister so and so will comment about how someone used to be so "Godly" and now has backslid and we know cause she had on "face paint" at the Piggly Wiggly or whatever. A new convert hears that from a woman she respect and wants to emulate and she will wash her face. Nobody SAYS your going to hell for not being on board with this program or that program. But the preacher will bang you over the head about getting on board or get out, don't murmur in your tents until you aren't so sure whats about salvation and if he gets to stamp your pass to heaven. I am going to blog about what its like to leave, what its like to find another church. About how Sister Better Than You snubbed me in the Chilis last night because she's too spiritual to be loving and Christlike to a backslider. I am gonna write this whole journey down because maybe somebody else is trying to figure out what the next step is.

STEP ONE: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30